Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

I'm in Pain...is that True?

Here's a tip I have just discovered, pain is not all it seems!  Katie is fond of asking her clients, as they sit there writhing in anger ..."You are angry...is that true?"  Her suggestion to us all is that we have our emotions so well labeled we don't ever check to see if they are real, or imagined. 

This may seem ridiculous except that on closer examination I have discovered it to be true.  This week I have seen my yoga practice deepen to a whole new level simply by asking myself, while contorted in the most ridiculous positions, 'I'm in pain, is that true?'  One of the most loathsome of all poses is Pigeon, it's one of those positions whereby I feel that my hip will rip like a chicken leg off its socket and I will be left, on the floor, with floppy legs and eminent death.  So whilst in this most excruciating of poses I asked myself about the pain.  I simple noticed and delved into the sensations and the feeling and the actual physical 'whatness' of it all.  I noticed a most remarkable thing, it was actually quite enjoyable!  Once I got past the fear and the thought of 'my leg is going to rip off!' I noticed that the sensation was tingly, intense, heaty, deep, and then I noticed it started to move and glow and I could feel it pulsing and almost expectant.  I kid you not, I was most impressed.  Whilst delving into the sensations I noticed my fear left and I simply stayed in the position, and deepened the position, with no problem.  I could also hold it for the commanded time without flopping into a one-sided heap.

Since discovering that yoga pain is actually just a tingly, intense, heaty sensation I have been able to do a whole bunch of poses I could never do before - how bizarre is that!

So, next step is to shift this Inquiry into bigger emotions like anger and sadness.  I have noticed with sadness I am often mistaking the feeling of compassion for sadness.  When someone tells me a 'sad' story I may feel like I am sad too, but when I really look - I am actually feeling love.  Anger is the same, while I'm having one of my temper tantrums, what am I really feeling?  Tingly head, pulsing blood, constricted throat muscles...hmmm...interesting...look how the body reacts when I think 'I am angry'...I wonder where it goes next? 

Next time you feel an intense emotion, delve into its sensation and let me know, what is it really?

Creating Breathing Space - Part 2

Another aspect of looking for the space is to look for space around your thoughts.  Many of our beliefs and thoughts are so TIGHT there is no way we can release them, and it feels like that too – like if you released it you would explode – like it’s the ONE thing holding you together!

A wonderful example is taken from a conversation with a friend, see if you can relate to this.  She has a relationship with her dad whereby she can only stand a few moments before the tension starts to build.  He starts talking, and talking and talking and she things ‘oh my god, I can’t STAND this!’  I have this with one of the mums at school, I almost can’t look at her for fear of setting her off on one of her tirades.  Funny, but I think I am going to slap her – it’s such a strong reaction to this poor woman who is literally just standing next to me opening her mouth and making sounds.  Somehow I think the sounds are going to make me explode!

My friend had this epiphany…what would happen to me if I just stood there and listened?  WOULD I actually explode?  The belief that you can’t stand it anymore slowly loosens – there is space.  So she tried it, next time she visited her father she thought to herself, I’m here for an hour, I’m dedicating my time to this, there is nowhere else to be, nothing else to do.  Just sit, listen, engage.  And she did.  Just like that.  Amazing.  Now her thoughts are looser, there is space around it, she knows she CAN stand it, she knows she isn’t going to explode.  With this new information, who knows what can happen?

I was inspired by her.  I tried it with my school mum, I looked her in the eyes, she set off on a run with a minute by minute account of her day from 7am till we met and what else she had to do till 10pm that night.  I listened, nodded and then slapped her on the face.  Heehee, only kidding! 

Ok, so I’ve still got a way to go to loosen this particular one!  If you’ve got a sticky one like this, here’s what I’m doing which helps:

1.       She is so annoying because: (list all the reasons why you think they are so annoying)

2.       If I listen to her/him, what do you fear will happen?

3.       What advice would you give them to help them be less annoying?

For no. 1, turn it around on yourself – can you find examples where you have done this too in your past?

For no 2, do Inquiry – is this belief true? How do you behave toward them when you think its true?  Who would you be without this thought?  Turn it around.

For no 3, turn the advice around on yourself – feel the truth of it and where you could apply it in your own life.

Annoying people are truly a gift for us, they highlight areas we are trying to improve in our own lives, or blind spots that could use a bit of improvement.  Think about your own friends who find others annoying and test it – it’s always easier to see it from the outside.  Honestly, is what they complain about in others also areas that could do with some polishing in their own lives?

The outside world is always our mirror, there are no accidents that what irritates us is what needs fixing in us.  It’s very often hard to see (or admit to) but if you want your own peace, you need to get down and dirty and honest.  If you like your stress, then by all means keep your denial :)

Creating Breathing Space

One of the most powerful awakenings from the Byron Katie Work is the realization that my mind works so fast that there is absolutely NO room for breath, space or consideration.  The world happens, I react.  Someone speaks, I respond, and then I am already onto the next response before I have even heard their reply (especially true in disagreements).  This lack of space to process what was going on was so disturbing to me – at first I had to sit down after each exchange and write it all out – what did he say, what did I say, like a dialogue script.  Then I would stare at it in disbelief, where was I when all this was going on?  What was coming out of my mouth was totally unconscious drivel, fear based, defense based, justification based – not an ounce of wisdom, love, or kindness. 

During the next phase I started noticing when I was asleep – like the mouth was moving but no one was at home, and then I immediately shut up (sometimes mid-sentence) and I wouldn’t answer until I had processed what they said and checked what was coming out.  This slowed things down significantly.  Interestingly children get this intuitively and really appreciate it, like they know you are listening (at last).  Adults who are also asleep look at you like you are mentally incapacitated “come on!” they shout – mostly in their mind – “what do you want to say, spit it out!!”  But I have learnt to ignore their impatience as I am sure they would prefer a measured, kind and wise response to defensive drivel.  Afterall, is there really a time frame for a kind word?

Third stage, the mind learns how to create space around thoughts automatically and you speed up again, only slowing down when you feel the emotions rising.  The emotions are such an incredible barometer of authenticity.  You are being authentic when you feel calm, peaceful and loving.   When you can look at someone with no feeling of time, pressure, or agenda. Everything else is defense, unease and out of flow.  So it’s pretty easy to check in with yourself and see how you are doing.

There are still many times (like this morning!) when I jump into sleep mode again, when the motor-mouth takes over and I feel like I am witnessing a car crash on TV – uhoh…there she goes again, speeding up!  Accelerating!  Watch the BARRIER!!! CRASH!!!!!  Oops…

Back to writing it all down again, hohum..

But there is no blame now, its all part of the Work, part of the process, part of learning to live this life fully, lovingly and authentically.  Every time I experience my asleepness, I write it down, question my thinking, and look forward to the next time to do it all over again, or not.

An Honest NO

This year has been my challenge to find my honest ‘no’.  I am a self-admitted people pleaser, not to the crazy extent of some, but it definitely gets me into trouble.   At the School, Katie does an entire section on getting to an honest ‘No’.  It goes something like this:

Person who wants you to say yes: “I really need your help, I’m in a bit of a pickle with my finances – you know the recession has hit my business really badly and I’m struggling to make ends meet.  The kids’ school fees are due this month and I just can’t find the cash – I really need a loan, not for too long, maybe 6 months, a year?  I know you have the cash, its small change to you really – can you please loan it to me – it will mean the kids can stay in school and it would really help me out.”

You: “I really understand that you are in trouble, and no.”

Person who wants you to say yes: “What?  You’re saying no?  But my kids!  Are you telling me to take them out of school?  To leave their friends and their life?  How am I going to tell them that you don’t care enough for them?  How can you do this to me, I’m your brother/sister/parent/friend!”

You: “I love you, and no”

So, we practiced this in the School and it seemed easy enough, NOT!  Can you imagine just saying ‘no’ to someone you love and getting all this guilt laid on you and still saying no, with no justification or defense?  Well as a people pleaser I was desperate to try it out, but also scared stiff.

Of course the friendly universe has given me several opportunities to practice since coming home :)

The first opportunity was an old colleague who wanted me to talk at an event that I really didn’t want to do.  She’s an old friend and she’s given me lots of work in the past, I was uncomfortable saying no because I didn’t want to let her down and I was mindful of repercussions in our future relationship.  My first attempt at an honest ‘no’ was simply ignored along the lines of “I can’t take your no for an answer, you owe me and you have to say yes” in a very long winded and emotional email detailing lots of past history, justification etc etc.  When I got her response I immediately went into defense and went to bed tossing and turning all the brilliant justifications I could give her for saying ‘no’.  Then I remembered my honest ‘no’ and my stress just melted away.  In response to her 2 page email I replied “I understand you feel strongly about this, and no.”  I cannot tell you how good that felt!  Clean, pure, authentic, honest – wow!  Ok, now I get it, really, I am never doing differently.  Amazing!

The rub is, even though I now felt clear and good about it, it still doesn’t mean she did, and by the way she didn’t – she came back a third time but with decidedly less heat in her tone and expectation.  I think my honesty and brevity knocked a lot of wind out of her sail and maybe allowed her to open to the possibility that another option could also work.  In the end we did come up with something else that was workable and kept us both in integrity.

My key learning was in seeing how damaging I was being to my own integrity, saying ‘yes’ just to please someone is always a ‘no’ to yourself.  I learnt that giving an honest ‘no’ not only makes me feel brilliant with the force of a massive ‘YES’ to myself, but it also opens the other party to collaboration making it much easier to come to a win win.

Change your Mind, Change the World

Law of attraction states that whatever you focus on you attract.  People can often mistake this as purely material, “I focus on a red Ferrari”, “I want more money”, “I want to be a size 10” but in fact it is easier to notice how this works in life if you look at it as accessing different levels of awareness.  When you are operating primarily out of fear or anger then you get that coming right back at you, when you operate out of joy or optimism, then you get that vibrating back at you.

Take for example five different days when you walk down a dark alley and you see a homeless man sitting next to a dumpster.  Imagine you have had a particularly fearful day or you are in a very fearful mood – the world seems dark, foreboding and unkind – disaster is lurking at every corner (you just watched the news!).  Walking down this alley is already filling you with unease, you spot the homeless man and notice the likely thoughts running through your mind. “He’s going to mug me” ,“He’s going to rape me”.   Notice the level of stress and anxiety running through your body.  Notice how tense and upset you feel when he reaches out his hand to you.  Likely you turn and run down the street away from him.  Imagine the story you would tell your friends and family about your ‘narrow escape’.

Now imagine you have had a terrible day with people you despise, you are in a rage and you feel like you are about to explode you are so angry.  Same alley, same homeless man.  This time you look at him and what are the thoughts coming to you now – what is the thinking you are now accessing?  “Good for nothing”, “Lazy, incompetent, parasite”.  He reaches his hand out to you.  Do you hit him, kick him – in your mind maybe, if not in reality.  There is violence in your thoughts and violence in your environment.  You can imagine how that life would pan out if you continued to sit in anger day after day.

Next mood, you’ve had a disappointing day, you’re feeling deflated and hopeless.  Overwhelmed and unhappy with life.  Feeling small and insignificant – ‘nothing goes my way’.  You walk down the alley and see the man.  Maybe you burst into tears, see him as a total summary of your life, a sign for how low you’ve also sunk.  He holds out his hand and you just shrug – you feel as poor and hopeless as him, what can you possibly offer him?

Shifting up a gear now, you walk down the alley in an optimistic mood.  Life is good, you feel happy, optimistic and enthused by life.  You feel the universe is kind and loving and you feel very blessed and excited about life.  You see the homeless man, what do you do? Sit next to him and chat awhile, share your lunch with him, share a touch of kindness with him?  He holds out his hand and you give him ten bucks, or fifty.  You smile and it feels good.

Finally, imagine you are in total joy, vibrating in truth and love, empowered.  You walk down the alley, you see the man.  He holds out his hand, don’t you give him everything you have?  Don’t you hold him, hug him, touch him with your love?  You walk out and you have blessed another human being with your love.  You have gone from me me me to service. 

This is the way to change the world, this is the way to make a difference – through your own vibration and not through fear or anger or raging at the world and what it has or hasn’t done for you, to you.  Notice the same man in all these scenarios, just a different you.  This is a microcosm of your life, you react to every single incident in your life based on the level you are vibrating at, what you are feeling and thinking and your filters.  Minute by minute, day by day – your life really shouldn’t be any surprise to you, you created it.

You can change it too by simply focusing on your vibration, how are you feeling today and how do you feel better.  There are so many amazing techniques in both law of attraction and the Work of Byron Katie to help you shift up and up in your energy and in so doing in experiencing a totally new level of life.

Byron Katie, The School of the Work Lesson #3: The Gift of Stress

I’ve always known intellectually that when I react to something it’s because I resist something inside.  During my time at the Byron Katie School I finally made the short 12 inch sink from my brain to my heart.  Now I know it unequivocally, and that has given me a sense of peace and gratitude I have not experienced before, because now I know when I experience resistance, I’m close to the truth.

This is such a powerful realization for me, I am not even sure I can articulate it, but I’m going to try! 

An Example:
I went to a  friend’s birthday party over the weekend and when I gave her my gift I said:
“ sorry, it’s not very exciting”, the words just spilled out apologetically and then the evening moved on.  Later, another friend who had observed the exchange commented that it was an odd thing to say “why were you apologizing when you bought her a nice gift?  That was a weird thing to say!” she said to me. 

Well, this is what my mind did…in sequence:

“How rude, why did she even bother to tell me she thought I was weird?!”
“She’s weird for telling me I’m weird!”
“I’m not weird.”
“Oh god, maybe I am weird?  Did I do something wrong?”
“Oh No, I DID do something wrong, I shouldn’t have said that”
“Does the party girl now think I’m weird too?”
“I diminished the gift, why did I do that?”
“Why do I apologize for everything, I’m such a schmuck”
“Ugh, I really suck”

Ok, don’t tell me you don’t do this too sometimes!!   But notice where I go!  My friend tells me I said a weird thing and I end up beating myself up and turning the simple statement into a self-massacre!

So I am sitting there with my torrent of thoughts, feeling bad about myself, and feeling angry at my friend for starting all this in the first place, when my ‘wise self’ whispers:

“Is it true? ‘That was a weird thing to say’, is it true?”

Umm, yeh, I guess it was.

From here a strange thing happened.  I simply saw the truth in it.  I saw that I didn’t need to apologize for buying a birthday gift for someone.  I saw that my friend was gifting me criticism so I could see what I was doing and be more aware next time.  I saw that my friend’s honesty was my growing awareness.  And I got very excited that I was seeing it so clearly.  In that moment all my anger and stress simply dropped away, I fell into peace again.

Who would you be without your story?

Byron Katie, The School of the Work learning #2: NO, it really isn't their fault...

Don’t you just HATE that?  Lesson no. 2 is the irrevocable knowledge that what I have been saying for years is true, whatever upsets me in others is what is upsetting me about myself.  There is absolutely no use trying to live in denial.  After all, is it working? 

“But, but…I hate arrogant, self-righteous people who can’t apologies!  That’s NOT me!!!”  So whose being arrogant and self-righteous now?  You know those moments when people call you stubborn or stuck up or down-right WRONG!  And you feel so outraged and angry and you look at them incredulously and think ‘WHAT?!?!  They are the ones being stubborn, stuck up and definitely WRONG!

Welcome to the mirror :)

There is a very simple way to begin the healing process and see for yourself the healing and freedom that can take place when you stop the denial.  Think of anything that causes you stress around other people – what beliefs are you carrying around about what people should and should do or say:

• People should be courteous
• People should be kind
• People should not kill
• People should apologize when they are wrong

Any thought that when I ask “Is it True?” you answer with an unswerving “YES”

This is denial.  You are fighting reality, you are fighting what is showing up in the world – we are not talking about morality here, I am only interested in the truth – not my moral truth, my religious truth, the ACTUAL truth.  Look around and take off the blinkers.  People are rude, people push into the queue, people kill each other, people don’t apologize.  I am screaming against the truth of it, and then wondering why I experience stress.  Screaming doesn’t solve anything….. isn’t that closer to the truth?

What would happen if you let go of the thought, just for a moment.  Who would you be without the story of 'he should do this' or 'they should do that'?  Can you even imagine life without your constant barrage of thinking?  What is under it all?  Could it be freedom, peace, calm, joy?

So long as we insist on holding on to the thoughts, we leave ourselves no choice but to experience the stress of it. “It shouldn’t be like this” we scream…”but it is” the universe says back…”but it SHOULDN’T be” we scream…”but it is” the universe says back…

How can we possibly hear our truth, experience the peace or love underneath the screaming?

Here’s what I know has been true for me….

• The less I fight reality the more I see it as kind and loving
• The more I accept what others say to me, the more I see it is always true, the less impact it has on me
• The less I expect others to do, the more they actually do
• The less I expect myself to do, the more I actually want to do
• If I stop pushing myself, I get more done effortlessly
• The more I inquire as to my thoughts, the more I love them.

Come and experience it for yourself!
Sue Lee, a qualified facilitator for the Work will be giving a 4 hour workshop on Saturday 31 October,

See here for more info…hope to see you there!

For a private facilitated session, please call me! Elaine 9660 4893

Tap onto Your Freedom using The Work of Byron Katie

An Introduction to

The Work of Byron Katie

Presented by

Sue Lee, Certified Facilitator of The Work
Saturday 31st October, 9am-1pm

“My partner doesn’t appreciate me."
“The world is a dangerous place.”
“I need more money.”
“I’m too fat.”

Thoughts like these may run through our minds many times a day, fostering fear, anger, stress, and depression. How different would your life be if these thoughts never bothered you again? The Work of Byron Katie is a process that clears the mind. It is a way to identify and question the thoughts that cause all the suffering and violence in the world. The Work is simply four questions and a turnaround, which is a way of experiencing the opposite of what you believe. It is so simple that anyone with an open mind can do it. This process works. It is radical, and life-changing.

The Work is used by leading-edge business leaders, mental health practitioners, coaches, educators, and by millions of people around the world, as a way to move from confusion to clarity. Practicing this simple process of self-inquiry, people who have spent years dealing with stress, fear, anxiety, and depression experience a profound shift in consciousness, a deep sense of inner peace, and the ability to approach problems with a clear mind.

“My partner doesn’t listen to me.”

“My children are disobedient.”

“I hate my job.”

“My life would be better if…”

Come learn a simple way to clear your mind and move from fear to freedom, from anger to joy, and from confusion to clarity. All you need is an an open mind, pen and paper.

  Come learn this simple, radical, and life-changing process of inquiry.

During this 4-hour workshop, you will:

- Learn to identify and question your stressful thinking.
- Learn to let go of concepts that are limiting you

- Experience how you live your life when you believe thoughts that are not true for you.

- Discover new possibilities and different perspectives.

- Learn how to facilitate yourself and others using The Work’s four questions and turnarounds.
- Realize what is true for you, and take home a powerful tool that can help you live with clarity and integrity.

About Sue Lee:

Sue Lee was a certified Holistic Health Counselor and a Licensed Bodyworker living in the state of California, USA before moving back to Malaysia in year 2004.  She is a Licensed Facilitator for The Work of Byron Katie, certified by the Institute of The Work to share the work with people and to serves as a mentor to facilitators in training.  She believes that true freedom and joy is an internal process.  By working with our limiting thoughts, the projected outside world will come closer in matching our true nature which is love and truth.

To book your seat: booking@elainegrundy.com
Date: Saturday 31 Oct, 9am-1pm
Venue: 282D River Valley Rd
Fee: S$160

Byron Katie, The School of the Work learning #1: Literal Listening

As I am trying to digest the last 9 days experience, its almost unspeakable what happens to you, not in a bad or weird way, but it’s such an intense experience its unspeakable in that it is almost impossible to explain!  Like all good things (eg Reiki Attunements, warm flourless chocolate cake, smelling a new born baby) these are things to be experienced, not taught.

So here goes an intellectual version of the real thing!
#1 Literal Listening:

In many other tools and philosophies (Law of Attraction, NLP) we are taught that the universe hears us literally, and whatever we focus on is what we get.  So for example in LOA we do not use negatives such as “I don’t want to be fat” because the Universe picks up on the focus ie the word ‘fat’ and gives us more of that.

In learning to speak literally and to get really clear on what we want, Byron Katie flips it and asks us to get really literal on what we hear as well.  It seems so obvious, but it was a real lightbulb for me.

For example, you’re having a fight and your partner yells at you “You’re not Listening to me!!!!!” what goes on in your head when that is said is probably a similar version to what goes on in my head:

“That’s not true!  I totally listen, he’s the one not listening!”
“I can repeat everything he said to me!”
“I don’t need to listen, he’s already repeat himself 5 times”
"I don’t need to listen, he’s wrong anyway”  Etc etc

In literal listening, we hear the statement: “You’re not Listening to me!!!!!” and we pause, take it in, and ask ourselves…is it true?

Well, duh!  With all that nonsense going on in my head, of course I'm not listening!

The usefulness of this technique is in its simplicity, and truth.  If we assume the Universe is kind, everything that happens to us is part of the Universal support for our growth and learning.  So when someone says to us “You’re not Listening to me!!!!!” it’s a strong message from the Universe that we need to start listening – yes to the person who is talking to us, but also elsewhere in our life, eg. To ourself, to the world, to others, to our body etc etc where else in your life are you not listening?

There’s another way this works that is a real gem if you are fed up of fighting with loved one.  I now see every argument as a gift from the Universe, lots of messages for me to meditate on!  Recently my hubbie and I started a heated discussion on the topic of our children, but instead of rushing to my own defense, I rushed for the pen and paper, sat down and started scribbling furiously as he talked “What else?” I asked him.  You can imagine it stopped the fight dead.  Who can stay angry when you are nodding and writing and feeling gratitude that your partner is such a brilliant teacher, and who can remain unheard and frustrated when your partner is scribbling down your every word and asking for more feedback?

The end of War, now that’s something worth learning!

Getting rid of Limiting Beliefs

Ever wonder why some people react to outside influences so differently to you? Ever wish you could just 'relax' and 'be yourself'? Do you sometimes even wonder who that 'yourself' is?

Over our lives we become indoctrinated with beliefs from birth - we listen to the opinions of others, we take on our parents worries and fears, we belief what they say when they say 'the world is not safe', 'money doesn't grow on trees', 'cake makes you fat'. We go to school and we believe what our teachers say when they say 'you need to work on your weaknesses', 'without hard work you will never amount to anything', 'you are bad at maths'. Then we listen to our friends, our peers, our bosses, the media, the government, our culture, our religion....and we wonder why we end up with no clue what we really believe, or how we really feel about things.

The great news is that, actually, we do know exactly how we feel about something. We have in our bodies an early warning system, and that's called 'stress'. When we align with beliefs and goals that are in flow with our being, we feel happy and centred. And when we misalign, we feel stressed. Simple.

This workshop is also very simple, we go through and dissect our beliefs, we dig and find out what our limiting beliefs are (be prepared for some surprises) and we learn an easy Four step process of enquiry (from Katie Byron) for eliminating them, one by one.

The morning is about discovery, uncovery (;)) and recovery. By the end of it you will feel more freedom, less stress, more control, less fear, more peace, less frustration, more centredness, less chaos, more happiness, less anger. Join us for an extreme make-over!

Who should come:
• Anyone who feels stressed, angry, frustrated, irritated or anxious!
• Anyone who wants to discover what is holding them back in life.
• Anyone who would like to feel true freedom.

Monday 20th April, 9.30-1pm, $80
booking@elainegrundy.com
282D River Valley Rd