Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

I'm in Pain...is that True?

Here's a tip I have just discovered, pain is not all it seems!  Katie is fond of asking her clients, as they sit there writhing in anger ..."You are angry...is that true?"  Her suggestion to us all is that we have our emotions so well labeled we don't ever check to see if they are real, or imagined. 

This may seem ridiculous except that on closer examination I have discovered it to be true.  This week I have seen my yoga practice deepen to a whole new level simply by asking myself, while contorted in the most ridiculous positions, 'I'm in pain, is that true?'  One of the most loathsome of all poses is Pigeon, it's one of those positions whereby I feel that my hip will rip like a chicken leg off its socket and I will be left, on the floor, with floppy legs and eminent death.  So whilst in this most excruciating of poses I asked myself about the pain.  I simple noticed and delved into the sensations and the feeling and the actual physical 'whatness' of it all.  I noticed a most remarkable thing, it was actually quite enjoyable!  Once I got past the fear and the thought of 'my leg is going to rip off!' I noticed that the sensation was tingly, intense, heaty, deep, and then I noticed it started to move and glow and I could feel it pulsing and almost expectant.  I kid you not, I was most impressed.  Whilst delving into the sensations I noticed my fear left and I simply stayed in the position, and deepened the position, with no problem.  I could also hold it for the commanded time without flopping into a one-sided heap.

Since discovering that yoga pain is actually just a tingly, intense, heaty sensation I have been able to do a whole bunch of poses I could never do before - how bizarre is that!

So, next step is to shift this Inquiry into bigger emotions like anger and sadness.  I have noticed with sadness I am often mistaking the feeling of compassion for sadness.  When someone tells me a 'sad' story I may feel like I am sad too, but when I really look - I am actually feeling love.  Anger is the same, while I'm having one of my temper tantrums, what am I really feeling?  Tingly head, pulsing blood, constricted throat muscles...hmmm...interesting...look how the body reacts when I think 'I am angry'...I wonder where it goes next? 

Next time you feel an intense emotion, delve into its sensation and let me know, what is it really?

I'm so mad I'm going to EXPLODE!

Since becoming a mother nearly 6 years ago, I have slowly gone from ‘Average Drama Queen whose World Revolves Around Her’ to ‘Raving Lunatic Mum Who Shouts Too Much and Hyperventilates’.I can see that my previous life of highly strung self-absorption was not going to be the best precursor to ‘Earth Mother’ but neither was I prepared to enter into the concept that I might actually end up on one of those ‘Parenting Nightmare’ reality TV shows popping up all over the place. Yet here I am, writing about Anger Management, and speaking from painful (and as yet not fully resolved) experience.

So, here’s my take on Anger management and different ways of looking at the monster within….

1. Anger is just a symptom of a bigger problem, it is not the problem itself - and neither is the thing you’re getting upset about. So give yourself some slack and next time you blow your top try to step back and remember that there’s another issue going on under all this that is making you steam.

2. When you get angry its a sign that something is not right, either you feel taken advantage of, or you feel suppressed, or you feel out of control, or or or. But as a sign, this is a USEFUL thing, not something to shy away from. Its OK to acknowledge anger as a sign that something is up, you just don’t have to then go forwards with it and smash up the crockery.

3. Once you see anger as the sign or a symptom and not the enemy, then you can start digging for the real root cause. This has a lot of power. Instead of letting anger take you on its ride you can stop short and say ‘hey, I’m feeling angry, what’s up with that?’ I know, sounds lame - but it works!

Here’s a classic example, sleep depravation. My kids don’t sleep – in fact I can count the number of full night’s undisturbed sleep I have had in the past 6 years on one hand, I’m sure many of you can relate. When I have had a particularly bad run of sleep depravation I wake up grumpy and I just know my day is going to suck. And so it does.

Now, if I have my wits about me, I can alarm bell myself and think “Ah, you’re just crabby because you are overtired. It’s not your fault and it’s not your children’s fault, it just is. And it will be better tomorrow”. It’s amazing how well it works. YES I still get cranky and have a short fuse, but I actually tell my kids this (they are only 6 and 4 but they get it), I even go so far as to say “Sorry if I’m a bit cranky and snappy today, I’m just tired”. Now, I’m sure some expert or other will tell me I’m doing a terrible thing, but to me and my kids I am outlining the real root cause of my anger – sleep depravation – and keeping watch that I don’t damage my relationship with my kids by making it their fault.

Understanding that the feeling of anger is simply an alarm bell for something else has helped me enormously, and it also helps me to disperse it. Watch your children for great examples of this! Last year we were away for a family holiday with another family with kids – by day 3 all the kids were screaming and fighting and hitting, utter chaos! I separated my eldest and we went for quiet time, whilst colouring I asked her to explain to me more about her aggressive feelings and why they were coming up. She said simply “I’m getting too excited”, when I asked her what she needed me to do to help her to calm down, she said “I’d like you to play with me by myself” I understood her to mean she needed some quiet one on one attention, she needed for things to slow down, and she needed a quieter environment. When all her needs were met, she calmed right back down and the fighting stopped.

When is the last time you really looked at your own unmet needs? Whether it’s more sleep, more quiet time, slowing down, asking for help – your anger is a symptom that somewhere your needs are not being met. Instead of taking it out on the children, your spouse, the pillow, why not say ’thank you for the warning!’ and get your needs met instead!