Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

Creating Breathing Space - Part 2

Another aspect of looking for the space is to look for space around your thoughts.  Many of our beliefs and thoughts are so TIGHT there is no way we can release them, and it feels like that too – like if you released it you would explode – like it’s the ONE thing holding you together!

A wonderful example is taken from a conversation with a friend, see if you can relate to this.  She has a relationship with her dad whereby she can only stand a few moments before the tension starts to build.  He starts talking, and talking and talking and she things ‘oh my god, I can’t STAND this!’  I have this with one of the mums at school, I almost can’t look at her for fear of setting her off on one of her tirades.  Funny, but I think I am going to slap her – it’s such a strong reaction to this poor woman who is literally just standing next to me opening her mouth and making sounds.  Somehow I think the sounds are going to make me explode!

My friend had this epiphany…what would happen to me if I just stood there and listened?  WOULD I actually explode?  The belief that you can’t stand it anymore slowly loosens – there is space.  So she tried it, next time she visited her father she thought to herself, I’m here for an hour, I’m dedicating my time to this, there is nowhere else to be, nothing else to do.  Just sit, listen, engage.  And she did.  Just like that.  Amazing.  Now her thoughts are looser, there is space around it, she knows she CAN stand it, she knows she isn’t going to explode.  With this new information, who knows what can happen?

I was inspired by her.  I tried it with my school mum, I looked her in the eyes, she set off on a run with a minute by minute account of her day from 7am till we met and what else she had to do till 10pm that night.  I listened, nodded and then slapped her on the face.  Heehee, only kidding! 

Ok, so I’ve still got a way to go to loosen this particular one!  If you’ve got a sticky one like this, here’s what I’m doing which helps:

1.       She is so annoying because: (list all the reasons why you think they are so annoying)

2.       If I listen to her/him, what do you fear will happen?

3.       What advice would you give them to help them be less annoying?

For no. 1, turn it around on yourself – can you find examples where you have done this too in your past?

For no 2, do Inquiry – is this belief true? How do you behave toward them when you think its true?  Who would you be without this thought?  Turn it around.

For no 3, turn the advice around on yourself – feel the truth of it and where you could apply it in your own life.

Annoying people are truly a gift for us, they highlight areas we are trying to improve in our own lives, or blind spots that could use a bit of improvement.  Think about your own friends who find others annoying and test it – it’s always easier to see it from the outside.  Honestly, is what they complain about in others also areas that could do with some polishing in their own lives?

The outside world is always our mirror, there are no accidents that what irritates us is what needs fixing in us.  It’s very often hard to see (or admit to) but if you want your own peace, you need to get down and dirty and honest.  If you like your stress, then by all means keep your denial :)

Love and Relationships by Katie Byron

This is a section of Katie's Feb 'Valentine's newsletter, the woman is a treasure - take the time to read what Stephen, her partner, has to say about their first meeting - wonderful! http://www.byronkatie.com/newsletter_fe09.html

If you say that you love your husband, what does that have to do with him?

You're just telling him who you are. You tell the story of how he's handsome and fascinating and sexy, and you love your story about him. You're projecting that he's your story. And then when he doesn't give you what you want, you may tell the story of how he's mean, he's controlling, he's selfish—and what does that have to do with him? If my husband says, "I adore you," I think, "Good. I love that he thinks I'm his sweet dream. How happy he must feel about that!"

If he were ever to come to me and say, "The sorriest day of my life was when I married you," still, what would that have to do with me? He'd just be in a sad dream this time, and I might think, "Oh poor baby, he's having a nightmare. I hope he wakes up soon." It's not personal. How can it have anything to do with me? I love him, and if what he says about me isn't true in my experience, I would ask him if there's anything I can do for him. If I can do it, I will, and if it's not honest for me, I won't. He is left with his story. No one will ever understand you. Realizing this is freedom. No one will ever understand you—not once, not ever. Even at our most understanding, we can only understand our story of who you are. There's no understanding here except your own. If you don't love another person, it hurts, because love is your very self. You can't make yourself do it.

But when you come to love yourself, you automatically love the other person. It's not a choice. Just as you can't make yourself love us, you can't make yourself not love us. Husbands, wives, lovers—all a projection of mind. When you truly love someone, a thought like "You should love me" brings laughter to your heart. Can you hear the arrogance of that thought? "I don't care whom you want to love. You should love me, and I'll even trick you into it if need be, or at least I'll try to, out of my self-deluded head." This is the opposite of love.

If I think my husband should love me, I'm insane. Whose business is it whom he loves? His, of course. The turnarounds show me the way toward what is truer to my heart: I should love me, and I should love him. Let him love whomever he loves—he's going to anyway. The story of whom someone should love keeps me from the awareness that I am what I'm seeking. It's not his job to love me—it's mine.

I’m OK, You’re OK

I was having coffee with a dear friend today and reminded of how any group can become judgmental, even when they have your ‘best interests’ at heart.  My friend was upset because at a recent coaching group meeting, the group had tried to ‘coach’ him around an issue he was having.  The issue came about because he had a difference of opinion with the rest of the group.  It doesn’t matter what the issue was, simply that the rest of the group felt he was wrong – and they were right.  The fact that he was getting angry at their ‘gang’ mentality simply proved he was hiding something!

We are all guilty of this, and I sometimes think the ‘self-help’ world especially so.  We all have our little theories on how the world works, some of us feel so strongly about our beliefs we are happy to go to war over them.  Yet for me, the act of trying to make someone change simply because you feel they ought to, is downright bullying.  My friend felt that his group was trying to show him something that he was somehow blocked on.  And often it is others who can see where we are blocked – and it is great when they point these blind spots out to us so we can grow.  However, this is only the case if the advice is asked for!  If my friend had asked for help, if he had seen a need for help, then their advice would have been accepted, and given, with dignity.  Yet to force our advice onto others – as is what happened in this case, leaves both parties feeling frustrated.  The coaching group felt that my friend was not listening and not shifting his opinion.  And my friend felt he was being bullied and undermined.  Even talking to him today, he feels the group didn’t understand his view, and he feels demeaned as a result.  Hardly a desired outcome for a coaching group! 

The interesting thing about how this works is that we do it all the time!  This coaching group has been together many years and they all love and support each other dearly, I know them all as incredibly thoughtful and supportive people – so how did this outcome happen?  It happens with our partners, our friends, our children.  We love them and want the best for them so we try to ‘help’ to guide and to give them our experience, our wisdom.  But often all we need to do is simply love them, and accept them for who they are and where they are at this particular moment in time.

I asked my friend how it would have felt if instead of advice, he had simply received their unconditional acceptance and love, no questions asked.  You should have seen his face – it really said it all. 

So next time you find yourself frustrated at a loved one for not taking your ‘advice’, try taking a step back and tell yourself to stop bullying them, and try loving them unconditionally instead.  When you see the big smile spread across their face, you’ll see it’s a much better way to live!

Hanging out with the right people

Over the years, during class and beyond, people have asked me how to deal with ‘energy vampires’, those people who suck our energy and make us feel exhausted.  Those people who have a loooooong sob story and a ‘poor me’ story, and life has treated them sooooo bad.  People who just want to talk and talk and unload all their woes and all their troubles onto you.  I was reminded of this type of person a few nights ago when I was attending a function and from out of nowhere an energy vampire descended and began to feast on me!

The short answer is: run for the hills!  That’s exactly what I did with this particular person, and here’s why.  You can try to save them, change their mind, let them see the light, support them and listen emphatically, and do all the other things we’re taught to do (ie. Be NICE) but the truth is, they will not change an ounce of what they’re doing – they will not suddenly wake up having spent an hour feasting on you and declare “eureka! I see the light! From now on I shall only be optimistic and positive and vibrate love!”  NO!  They will say “phew, that feels better, I need to do more of that unloading – where’s the next victim I can talk to?”  OK, of course they are not thinking of you as a victim – but that’s what you are.  No matter how much you ‘support’ them, listen to them, sympathize with them - it will never get better until they can see for themselves the cycle they have got themselves in. 

I am writing about this because too often we get trapped into thinking that we need to ‘support’ our friends and family and we spend far too much time hanging around in negative energy instead of positive energy.  As a weekend Reiki class will teach you, hanging around in positive energy for a prolonged period of time can be a really cool thing to do!  Perhaps redefine what ‘support’ means to you.  For me, it simply means ‘to help another person’ and I mean that in the very literal sense.  Often I withdraw myself from people or situations because I know that I am of no true help here – I may be able to provide ‘relief’ but not true and lasting ‘help’.  And frankly, relief is simply prolonging the pain.  If you really want to help you friends and family, you’ll focus on yourself and keep blazing the path towards the light.

What that means for me is spending time with myself and with the things I truly enjoy doing.  Spending time with my children and soaking up their purity, spending time with yoga and meditation, and reminding myself frequently during the day how incredibly lucky I am to be a spiritual being having a physical experience.  I take the time to hang out with positive people,  I take the time to find these people and nurture the relationships. To me, being positive and loving and beaming out this energy is the most helpful thing I can possibly do, and if we all took the time to focus on being positive and loving, what a different world we’d live in today!