Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

Creating Breathing Space

One of the most powerful awakenings from the Byron Katie Work is the realization that my mind works so fast that there is absolutely NO room for breath, space or consideration.  The world happens, I react.  Someone speaks, I respond, and then I am already onto the next response before I have even heard their reply (especially true in disagreements).  This lack of space to process what was going on was so disturbing to me – at first I had to sit down after each exchange and write it all out – what did he say, what did I say, like a dialogue script.  Then I would stare at it in disbelief, where was I when all this was going on?  What was coming out of my mouth was totally unconscious drivel, fear based, defense based, justification based – not an ounce of wisdom, love, or kindness. 

During the next phase I started noticing when I was asleep – like the mouth was moving but no one was at home, and then I immediately shut up (sometimes mid-sentence) and I wouldn’t answer until I had processed what they said and checked what was coming out.  This slowed things down significantly.  Interestingly children get this intuitively and really appreciate it, like they know you are listening (at last).  Adults who are also asleep look at you like you are mentally incapacitated “come on!” they shout – mostly in their mind – “what do you want to say, spit it out!!”  But I have learnt to ignore their impatience as I am sure they would prefer a measured, kind and wise response to defensive drivel.  Afterall, is there really a time frame for a kind word?

Third stage, the mind learns how to create space around thoughts automatically and you speed up again, only slowing down when you feel the emotions rising.  The emotions are such an incredible barometer of authenticity.  You are being authentic when you feel calm, peaceful and loving.   When you can look at someone with no feeling of time, pressure, or agenda. Everything else is defense, unease and out of flow.  So it’s pretty easy to check in with yourself and see how you are doing.

There are still many times (like this morning!) when I jump into sleep mode again, when the motor-mouth takes over and I feel like I am witnessing a car crash on TV – uhoh…there she goes again, speeding up!  Accelerating!  Watch the BARRIER!!! CRASH!!!!!  Oops…

Back to writing it all down again, hohum..

But there is no blame now, its all part of the Work, part of the process, part of learning to live this life fully, lovingly and authentically.  Every time I experience my asleepness, I write it down, question my thinking, and look forward to the next time to do it all over again, or not.

Boat Wake's and Epiphanies

I recently came back from holiday and was lucky to take a day diving off Koh Samui, Thailand.  It was such a gorgeous day, I was doing one of the activities I absolutely love, all was well with my world.  As I sat on the deck watching the sea I was suddenly struck with one of those 'eureka' moments that almost always visit me when I am near, or in, water.

From my vantage point I could see forwards to where we were headed, and backwards, where we had come.  I had often heard the adage "there is no point looking backwards to the past to try to figure out what is coming next in our life", and it seemed to make sense - there is no point hashing over the past or seeing the past as a precursor to the future (thought we all do it from time to time).  I know I have several 'hot buttons' about certain cause and effect thoughts such as "If I don't get enough sleep, I'll be grumpy in the morning", or "If you smile at people, they will be nice to you" and many other little thoughts and beliefs about how the world works - based on my past experience.

But sitting on this boat, looking out in both directions it was so plainly obvious to me that where I had just come from had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what lay ahead of me.  Looking back at the wake of the boat was of absolutely no use to me whatsoever.  And it struck me, as I was having this epiphany, that I had spent an awful lot of time, money, and energy trying to figure out what had occurred in my past and how that might effect me now and in the future - trying to 'understand' myself, when in fact it was really of no use at all!

Essentially I know what I know, I am generally pointed in what I think is the right direction, and the rest is truly a clear slate.  Every morning I wake up to a clean slate, and its up to me how I react to that.  Do I rehash all my old stuff (has it done me any good in the past?), or do I look forward, to where I'm going and focus on how to meet each moment as it comes, with fresh eyes and an open heart?

Answers on a postcard :)

The Myth of the "Should"

Ever wondered what this world would be like if we banned the word ‘should’?  I have, and I vote we do it!  Should is a horrible restrictive word, when I say it to myself I can actually feel the energy around my heart constrict and I feel a mild wave of depression in my brain.  It’s not a nice feeling.

Now try the word ‘could’.  When I think the word ‘could’ I feel curious, positive, opportunity, permission.  It also affects my brain only, I don’t feel my heart getting involved, or my organs – just my imagination, and it fires up possibility without the restrictive judgment of ‘should’.  Could is neutral, should is negative.

I should be more engaged at work
I could be more engaged at work

I should be making more money
I could be making more money

I should be a kinder/better/more spiritual person
I could be a kinder/better/ more spiritual person

I should….reflects failure, not doing well enough, not trying hard enough, like a finger wagging at you.
I could….reflects the possibility of more to come, of choice and of different strategies – there isn’t a feeling of failure but more an openness to change and try different things – it’s not personal and it’s not about you as a failure.  At the end of the day we all try our hardest, and even if we know we are not giving it our all, we are giving the best we can at the time – and that is good enough.

So next time you hear yourself saying ‘should’ to yourself or to someone else, change it to a ‘could’ and feel the difference!

The Benefits of Losing your Voice

I recently lost my voice, totally, and what a blessing it was!  It came at the tail end of a short but sharp cold and it threw me into fits of coughing every time I opened my mouth.  So for 2 days I could only whisper, but it was far more comfortable to just shut up and watch the world go by.

What surprised me was the lovely freedom that came with it.  For 2 days I couldn’t call anyone, I couldn’t bark instructions at my children, couldn’t plan anything with my husband, couldn’t discuss, complain, direct, defend, authorize, gossip.  The pure joy of it!  It was so peaceful!

My children would wonder the corridors in our home shouting at the tops of their voices, and I realized I would normally be shouting louder, just to be heard.  Yet now they had to come and find me, I could just carry on doing whatever I was doing until they did – no stress, just doing whatever it was I was doing.  Question to self:  Why don’t I do this all the time?  Why do I feel I need to yell out my location every time I am called?

My children experienced the same liberation, instead of the constant stream of instructions coming out of my mouth – eat your breakfast, brush your hair, brush your teeth, stop hitting your sister, hurry up, the bus is coming, brush your teeth!  Come on!  Shoes on, shoes on, bag, BAG, lift is here, come on, come on!  We’re LATE, COME ON! - Which is the usual commentary in our morning household, there was a quiet and gentle presence as I cajoled, herded and waved my arms in an altogether calmer and quieter manner.  I had to be very present and constantly by their sides so they could see me as opposed to yelling at them from the other room whilst multi-tasking – it was a MUCH better experience!  Amazingly we didn’t miss the bus, we didn’t rush (any more than normal!), and we got everything done we needed to do without the shouting and panic.  Big note to self.

The final observation was how lovely it was to not have the constant thinking of what to say going round my head.  This was a surprise to me, I am constantly thinking about what I should be saying next – it doesn’t just come out of my mouth in a stream, I have to first formulate the need to talk, then formulate the thoughts I want to communicate (and what is freaky is that my mind’s resting state is pretty empty – I actually spend energy making thoughts up!), then think about how I want to phrase it, then actually deliver it.  What an exhausting process!  When I was mute, what amazed me was how little I needed to say, it was so nice not to have to think about it, I could just let the world be without the constant need to provide a commentary.  Bliss!

Now my voice is pretty much recovered, the stream has strengthened back to a river, the commentary is comfortably back in place, but I am hoping it is a little less forced, a little less self-conscious, and a little more meaningful.

Everything happens for a reason!  Have you ever been ill and had a big ‘aha’ moment from it?  Comment below!

Excuses on being 'Self-Developed'

We in the self-development field have to be extra vigilant that we don’t replace one rigid belief system, with another.  In our search for more peace, more happiness, we are programmed and trained to look outside of ourselves.  We look to our parents, to our friends, to our education, our job, our governments, our country, our communities…the trick is, of course, to look within, at ourselves.  But even for those of us who know and understand this, DOing it is a completely different thing….

A friend came to me in a quandary; she has been working very consciously on building healthy boundaries between herself and her husband.  Their relationship in the past has been rather one sided (he dictates, she obeys).  Obviously as the shift to a more equal partnership has taken place, there has been much kicking and screaming as both sides have had to adjust to the ‘new’ style of relationship.  She is much happier, though he possibly isn’t, but he’s getting used to it and seeing other benefits (namely a much happier and friendlier wife!).  Throughout this process I have been coaching her to continue her search for inner peace within, and not let outside influences affect her so much – the number one job for all of us.

Her quandary came about one evening when she was feeling a bit fearful of the future, of what that might hold for them and their family.  Her Husband told her that she ‘wasn’t allowed’ to feel down and depressed as that was his job (to be the worrier).  Her job was to be the rock, the positive and optimistic one.  Well, that sent her into a right little mood!  She came to me complaining and upset “why do I always have to be the rock, why can’t he support me when I’m feeling down, it’s always on my shoulders to be responsible for everyone else’s happiness”.  Fair points, all of them – why should she?  Well the point, of course, is that she doesn’t have to do any of these things.  Her stress is coming from the thought “I have to do/be… this that the other”.

She had already analyzed the situation “he’s crossing my boundaries again, he’s using me and sucking my energy dry – I can feel it!  He’s hooking into my Solar Plexus!  No wonder I’m exhausted all the time, he’s using me like a vampire!”  Ouch!  Well, she had read all the right books!  Coaching 101 around Boundaries, Brennan on Energy Vampires, Myss on Chakras….but did it really matter that she had all the correct language for the ‘New Age Self Developed Woman’?  No, not really.  At the end of the day, she was still looking outside herself to blame and label and excuse.

Essentially the question is, “Do you WANT to feel down and depressed because of your fear?”  Of course not! She said with a start.  “So why”, I asked, “are you blaming your husband for stating a fact and highlighting to you your negative behavior?”  If you want to feel depressed than do so, but please don’t blame your husband for pointing it out.

Ahh, how freeing to truly own your own mood!  How delicious to be honest and brave enough to say “Thank you husband darling for pointing out my negative behavior!  I have told you many times before that I am striving for more peace and happiness in my life and you are highlighting my actions and my thoughts to me whenever I deviate from my course…Thank you!!”

Decide who you want to be in this world, then be it.  And thank graciously and genuinely anyone who is helping you stay on your path.

The Seminar Junkie

I’ve just completed a weekend at the Holistic Fair, so fascinating to trial the different treatments and listen to people talk about their own experiences with different courses and techniques.  I almost signed up for several courses, BlahBlah technique, Personal growth this, Meditation that.  I stopped myself and took a deep breath, just wait till the end of the week, I thought. By Monday I was laughing at myself of course, all desire to go ‘learn more stuff’ evaporated overnight as I descended quietly back into my truth, back into my wisdom. 

Yes, I am a recovering Seminar Junkie!

I have spent over 2 decades chasing the key to enlightenment, I have been through more phases and fads than most people have had hot dinners.  Every ‘hot new thing’ is greeted by rolling eyeballs from my long suffering husband as he once again has to take cover from the inevitable fall out as I detox this and ‘let go’ of that.  Of course some of it sticks, but most of it doesn’t.  And because of that, I continue the search.

Last year I had a mini-enlightenment experience.  It was very cool.  I saw myself as I truly was, and I saw others for what they really were – it was a phenomenally beautiful experience, albeit just a glimpse.  But this knowingness has stayed with me, the realization that all I need to do is surrender.  It really is as the Masters say, simply be, simply relax, simply trust.  All that we are is within us; there is nothing “out there” to help us, so stop cluttering up your mind with all this nonsense!

As a Reiki teacher and coach, this is a kind of bizarre thing to say – essentially I am saying that all you need to do to attain bliss, happiness and joy is to surrender to what is, surrender to the present moment, and you will see it is here all along.  What I am saying is that you don’t need me, or any other ‘expert’ to teach you, coach you, tell you what to do. Everything you need is already inside you.  Just stop for a minute, and you’ll see.

Crisis, Wots Crisis?

Panic, chaos, fear, hands in head, tears, “Hell on Earth”…these are the images bombarding us daily in the media since the “Crisis of 2008” began at the end of September.  Trillions of dollars have been lost, some of my banker friends have turned completely grey in a week, others that thought they were retiring with millions now only have half the millions they thought they had.  These are the energies circulating our planet at the moment, and our response to them will dictate how we feel.  We can join the fear, or we can check in with ourselves, in the present moment, how are we doing?

Personally I am sitting in my yoga studio with gentle music flowing, sitting in a very comfortable seat, tapping away on my little computer which I just adore, and looking forward to Hatha!  So, personally, right now, I am just fine.  How about you?

All Spiritual teachers have the same message – there IS ONLY NOW.  There is the mind’s concept of past, and the mind’s concept of the future, but in terms of where we are living, where we are feeling, and where we are being, there is only now.  Maybe you are deeply affected by this crisis, maybe you too have lost millions, maybe your home is about to be repossessed because you can’t meet your mortgage payments, maybe you have lost your job.  These are all the things that are happening to you right now.  But how are you?  Inside, check, are you still here?  Are you still with us?  Do you still have your senses; can you still feel the vibration of love that permeates the universe with every breath?   Probably not!  That is not because it is not there; it is because you believe your mind when your mind says “I can’t be happy right now!  I have lost my money/job/home”, “It is not a time to be happy, it is a time to be in panic/fear/anger/remorse/grief”.  But is that true? 

For the longest time, I read that all we had was ‘now’ and I just couldn’t “get it”.  I would think, “yes, of course I am fine now, but I might not be fine in the future!” or I would think “Yes, I am fine now, but if I loose this or that, then I definitely wouldn’t be fine!”  There is a great video of Byron Katie using enquiry on a woman scared of terrible things in her future, I think many of us may feel like her right now.  It’s also obvious she cannot grasp what Katie is saying, her mind has such a strong hold over her truth, she cannot trust the feelings in her own body, she cannot trust the absolute truth of what is being said to her.  Right now, each and every one of us is fine.  And that is where our happiness is. 

Making Dreams come True

I’d like to tell you a story of an extraordinary woman, Hattie Hasan.  I met her in London in 2006 at a workshop I was attending.  During the workshop the facilitator asked her to tell us about her goal.  She spoke very passionately about how she was a plumber and wanted to train up other women to be plumbers and how she wanted to grow and run the largest women-only plumbing company in England.  We all applauded and thought ‘wow, cool goal’.  The facilitator then paused, looked at her and asked, ‘Yes, but what is your TRUE goal, what else is there inside of you, what else is in you that is bigger than you, what you are here to do?’

Well, you could hear a pin drop.  Hattie stood for about 30 seconds and then she said ‘I’m a plumber, I work with water every day, yet every day millions of people in the world have no access to water, and millions of people in the world don’t have access to running, clean water.  To me it’s simply UNACCEPTABLE.  What I want to do is ensure every household in the world has access to clean, safe water.  That’s my true goal, that’s what’s really inside me.’

The hall erupted into a standing ovation, the emotion was amazing.  It was in that moment that I saw for myself the power of dreaming, and not only dreaming inside of ourselves and our immediate lives, but dreaming beyond yourself to your bigger purpose. 

Since that day, Hattie’s life was transformed in ways she could have never imagined.  She now runs a company called Extraordinary Balls and raised UKP50,000 for Charity at her inaugural ball in the UK last year.  She and her team are now in the process of launching global balls all over the world this year and will be raising hundreds of thousands of dollars to help eradicate poverty and water shortage. 

The power of Dreams!

I often reflect on that amazing moment with Hattie and wonder, where would she be now, what would she be doing now if she hadn’t got up in front of all those people and stated her bigger goal?  My guess is she would still be a plumber, and still be thinking ‘I’ll give my money to charity, once I make some.’  Luckily for her, she woke up and took action, and now she’s living her dream, contributing and making a massive difference in the world.

So over to you, what dream do you have?  Do you have a burning desire, a ‘when I retire I’ll do…’

DON’T WAIT!

Whether you dream of taking a cruise to the Caribbean, climbing Mt Everest, writing a book, or simply spending more time with your family – our Dreams are an important indicator of what we’re here to do.  We’re here to realize our potential, to stretch and challenge ourselves. 

New can be uncomfortable, charting new waters is always uncomfortable.  There is a great saying, “the only difference between fear and excitement is our breath, when we are fearful: we hold it.”

Anything you can dream about you can do, or it wouldn’t be a dream.  If you don’t have a gift for music, you wouldn’t dream of being a great opera singer.  If you don’t have a gift for climbing, you would never want to climb Everest.  Your dreams are specific to you, and specific to your innate abilities.  So be assured…whatever you Dream, you can do.

STEPS to take today:

1. Articulate your dream, what is it you want to achieve?

2. Uncover the legacy behind it, WHY do you want to achieve it?

3. Take the decision, why must you do it NOW?

4. Set a date, WHEN must you do this by?

5. Take the first step, what must I do today to take me one step closer?

Do these 5 simple steps, and you will be well on your way!  Let the HOW unravel step by step and keep open to new possibilites.  If you are very clear on the first two steps and you have made a conscious decision to DO it, and then you take action steps daily - it can't not happen!

To find out more about Elaine's Dreams Workshops please contact her for upcoming dates!

I’m OK, You’re OK

I was having coffee with a dear friend today and reminded of how any group can become judgmental, even when they have your ‘best interests’ at heart.  My friend was upset because at a recent coaching group meeting, the group had tried to ‘coach’ him around an issue he was having.  The issue came about because he had a difference of opinion with the rest of the group.  It doesn’t matter what the issue was, simply that the rest of the group felt he was wrong – and they were right.  The fact that he was getting angry at their ‘gang’ mentality simply proved he was hiding something!

We are all guilty of this, and I sometimes think the ‘self-help’ world especially so.  We all have our little theories on how the world works, some of us feel so strongly about our beliefs we are happy to go to war over them.  Yet for me, the act of trying to make someone change simply because you feel they ought to, is downright bullying.  My friend felt that his group was trying to show him something that he was somehow blocked on.  And often it is others who can see where we are blocked – and it is great when they point these blind spots out to us so we can grow.  However, this is only the case if the advice is asked for!  If my friend had asked for help, if he had seen a need for help, then their advice would have been accepted, and given, with dignity.  Yet to force our advice onto others – as is what happened in this case, leaves both parties feeling frustrated.  The coaching group felt that my friend was not listening and not shifting his opinion.  And my friend felt he was being bullied and undermined.  Even talking to him today, he feels the group didn’t understand his view, and he feels demeaned as a result.  Hardly a desired outcome for a coaching group! 

The interesting thing about how this works is that we do it all the time!  This coaching group has been together many years and they all love and support each other dearly, I know them all as incredibly thoughtful and supportive people – so how did this outcome happen?  It happens with our partners, our friends, our children.  We love them and want the best for them so we try to ‘help’ to guide and to give them our experience, our wisdom.  But often all we need to do is simply love them, and accept them for who they are and where they are at this particular moment in time.

I asked my friend how it would have felt if instead of advice, he had simply received their unconditional acceptance and love, no questions asked.  You should have seen his face – it really said it all. 

So next time you find yourself frustrated at a loved one for not taking your ‘advice’, try taking a step back and tell yourself to stop bullying them, and try loving them unconditionally instead.  When you see the big smile spread across their face, you’ll see it’s a much better way to live!

Being True to YOU

If someone is rude to you, are you rude in return?  Do you believe in an eye for an eye, or do you believe in following your own inner guidance system?  We all have different values and following other peoples’ beliefs instead of your own can cause considerable pain and unhappiness.

I recently gave a talk on Reiki and Stress and an encounter with a lady in the audience gave me food for thought. During my talk I was explaining the difference between our internal values and vision, and our limiting beliefs. She provided me with a brilliant example. Here is her story:

She is a Singaporean but spent much of her life abroad. When she came back several years ago, she experienced a big culture shock. She decided that the only way to really live happily is to try to 'fit in', when in Rome..... Her examples were mainly to do with courtesy, she seemed to feel that people here are not very courteous - they don't acknowledge you, say thank you, say sorry when they bump into you etc. This perplexed her, but her reaction was to follow the crowd. So now she also does not acknowledge, does not say sorry, does not give thanks.

What was interesting about her story is that while she was telling it, she was obviously not very happy about who she had become. In order to become what she viewed as Singapore behavior' she had lost sight of who she wanted to be. As you can imagine, her comments erupted a lot of heated discussion - not least from those who disagreed with her view of Singapore! My point here is not her actual belief, but how damaging that belief is to her happiness.

If we look at her internal values - she probably feels that being courteous, kind, giving thanks, and acknowledging people is very important. Certainly she feels that being acknowledged by others herself is very important.

Yet her limiting beliefs are:
1) Singaporeans are not courteous
2) People only deserve my acknowledgement if they acknowledge me first
3) In order to be happy I have to act like other people

In my eyes, and in yours I'm sure, all these beliefs are limiting because they are all inaccurate!

In being true to yourself, you need to decide how you are going to behave in this world - then behave like that, no matter what. We need to figure out our values, what is important to us and then make sure all our beliefs align up with that.

So if we were to review her beliefs, and align them with her values (to be courteous, to acknowledge others, to be kind), we could say:

1) people have their own ways of behaving
2) people deserve my acknowledgement
3) I am responsible for my own happiness

Notice that values are things that come from deep inside, they are not 'needs' from other people. They are ways we want to behave - no matter what others are doing. If you think your value is based on what others think about you, or how others behave around you, then you are muddling up values with needs. I might need people to approve of me, I might need people to acknowledge me - but that is not the same as how I will value and behave towards them, at all times.

Being true to yourself requires courage, and it may require letting go of people who disapprove. Asking them politely to let you do what you feel is right for you, and acknowledging that they would do it differently. Asking them to respect your values, and respecting theirs in return.

I still smile at people when they look grouchy - and 7out of 10 they smile back. 3 out of 10 they do not. Are those 3 people going to dictate the way I feel, and how I behave next time?