Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment: November 2009

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November 12, 2009

Creating Breathing Space - Part 2

Another aspect of looking for the space is to look for space around your thoughts. Many of our beliefs and thoughts are so TIGHT there is no way we can release them, and it feels like that too – like if you released it you would explode – like it’s the ONE thing holding you together!

A wonderful example is taken from a conversation with a friend, see if you can relate to this. She has a relationship with her dad whereby she can only stand a few moments before the tension starts to build. He starts talking, and talking and talking and she things ‘oh my god, I can’t STAND this!’ I have this with one of the mums at school, I almost can’t look at her for fear of setting her off on one of her tirades. Funny, but I think I am going to slap her – it’s such a strong reaction to this poor woman who is literally just standing next to me opening her mouth and making sounds. Somehow I think the sounds are going to make me explode!

My friend had this epiphany…what would happen to me if I just stood there and listened? WOULD I actually explode? The belief that you can’t stand it anymore slowly loosens – there is space. So she tried it, next time she visited her father she thought to herself, I’m here for an hour, I’m dedicating my time to this, there is nowhere else to be, nothing else to do. Just sit, listen, engage. And she did. Just like that. Amazing. Now her thoughts are looser, there is space around it, she knows she CAN stand it, she knows she isn’t going to explode. With this new information, who knows what can happen?

I was inspired by her. I tried it with my school mum, I looked her in the eyes, she set off on a run with a minute by minute account of her day from 7am till we met and what else she had to do till 10pm that night. I listened, nodded and then slapped her on the face. Heehee, only kidding!

Ok, so I’ve still got a way to go to loosen this particular one! If you’ve got a sticky one like this, here’s what I’m doing which helps:

1. She is so annoying because: (list all the reasons why you think they are so annoying)

2. If I listen to her/him, what do you fear will happen?

3. What advice would you give them to help them be less annoying?

For no. 1, turn it around on yourself – can you find examples where you have done this too in your past?

For no 2, do Inquiry – is this belief true? How do you behave toward them when you think its true? Who would you be without this thought? Turn it around.

For no 3, turn the advice around on yourself – feel the truth of it and where you could apply it in your own life.

Annoying people are truly a gift for us, they highlight areas we are trying to improve in our own lives, or blind spots that could use a bit of improvement. Think about your own friends who find others annoying and test it – it’s always easier to see it from the outside. Honestly, is what they complain about in others also areas that could do with some polishing in their own lives?

The outside world is always our mirror, there are no accidents that what irritates us is what needs fixing in us. It’s very often hard to see (or admit to) but if you want your own peace, you need to get down and dirty and honest. If you like your stress, then by all means keep your denial :)

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Creating Breathing Space

One of the most powerful awakenings from the Byron Katie Work is the realization that my mind works so fast that there is absolutely NO room for breath, space or consideration. The world happens, I react. Someone speaks, I respond, and then I am already onto the next response before I have even heard their reply (especially true in disagreements). This lack of space to process what was going on was so disturbing to me – at first I had to sit down after each exchange and write it all out – what did he say, what did I say, like a dialogue script. Then I would stare at it in disbelief, where was I when all this was going on? What was coming out of my mouth was totally unconscious drivel, fear based, defense based, justification based – not an ounce of wisdom, love, or kindness.

During the next phase I started noticing when I was asleep – like the mouth was moving but no one was at home, and then I immediately shut up (sometimes mid-sentence) and I wouldn’t answer until I had processed what they said and checked what was coming out. This slowed things down significantly. Interestingly children get this intuitively and really appreciate it, like they know you are listening (at last). Adults who are also asleep look at you like you are mentally incapacitated “come on!” they shout – mostly in their mind – “what do you want to say, spit it out!!” But I have learnt to ignore their impatience as I am sure they would prefer a measured, kind and wise response to defensive drivel. Afterall, is there really a time frame for a kind word?

Third stage, the mind learns how to create space around thoughts automatically and you speed up again, only slowing down when you feel the emotions rising. The emotions are such an incredible barometer of authenticity. You are being authentic when you feel calm, peaceful and loving. When you can look at someone with no feeling of time, pressure, or agenda. Everything else is defense, unease and out of flow. So it’s pretty easy to check in with yourself and see how you are doing.

There are still many times (like this morning!) when I jump into sleep mode again, when the motor-mouth takes over and I feel like I am witnessing a car crash on TV – uhoh…there she goes again, speeding up! Accelerating! Watch the BARRIER!!! CRASH!!!!! Oops…

Back to writing it all down again, hohum..

But there is no blame now, its all part of the Work, part of the process, part of learning to live this life fully, lovingly and authentically. Every time I experience my asleepness, I write it down, question my thinking, and look forward to the next time to do it all over again, or not.

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