We in the self-development field have to be extra vigilant that we don’t replace one rigid belief system, with another. In our search for more peace, more happiness, we are programmed and trained to look outside of ourselves. We look to our parents, to our friends, to our education, our job, our governments, our country, our communities…the trick is, of course, to look within, at ourselves. But even for those of us who know and understand this, DOing it is a completely different thing….
A friend came to me in a quandary; she has been working very consciously on building healthy boundaries between herself and her husband. Their relationship in the past has been rather one sided (he dictates, she obeys). Obviously as the shift to a more equal partnership has taken place, there has been much kicking and screaming as both sides have had to adjust to the ‘new’ style of relationship. She is much happier, though he possibly isn’t, but he’s getting used to it and seeing other benefits (namely a much happier and friendlier wife!). Throughout this process I have been coaching her to continue her search for inner peace within, and not let outside influences affect her so much – the number one job for all of us.
Her quandary came about one evening when she was feeling a bit fearful of the future, of
what that might hold for them and their family.
Her Husband told her that she ‘wasn’t allowed’ to feel down and
depressed as that was his job (to be the worrier). Her job was to be the rock, the positive and
optimistic one. Well, that sent her into
a right little mood! She came to me
complaining and upset “why do I always have to be the rock, why can’t he
support me when I’m feeling down, it’s always on my shoulders to be responsible
for everyone else’s happiness”. Fair
points, all of them – why should she?
Well the point, of course, is that she doesn’t have to do any of these
things. Her stress is coming from the
thought “I have to do/be… this that the other”.
She had already analyzed the situation “he’s crossing my boundaries again, he’s using me and sucking my energy dry – I can feel it! He’s hooking into my Solar Plexus! No wonder I’m exhausted all the time, he’s using me like a vampire!” Ouch! Well, she had read all the right books! Coaching 101 around Boundaries, Brennan on Energy Vampires, Myss on Chakras….but did it really matter that she had all the correct language for the ‘New Age Self Developed Woman’? No, not really. At the end of the day, she was still looking outside herself to blame and label and excuse.
Essentially the question is, “Do you WANT to feel down and depressed because of your fear?” Of course not! She said with a start. “So why”, I asked, “are you blaming your husband for stating a fact and highlighting to you your negative behavior?” If you want to feel depressed than do so, but please don’t blame your husband for pointing it out.
Ahh,
how freeing to truly own your own mood!
How delicious to be honest and brave enough to say “Thank you husband
darling for pointing out my negative behavior!
I have told you many times before that I am striving for more peace and
happiness in my life and you are highlighting my actions and my thoughts to me
whenever I deviate from my course…Thank you!!”
Decide who you want to be in this world, then be it. And thank graciously and genuinely anyone who is helping you stay on your path.
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