Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

Are those REAL?

I just came back from a very enriching trip to the UK to see family and friends.  Most rewarding to me was re-introducing the children to farms, animals, vegetables, growing things.  I knew we had lived in Singapore too long when my 6 year old stared out of the window as we drove through the English countryside and asked me "mum, what are those sheep doing there?  Are they REAL?"

Hmm...time to get down and dirty and onto the farm!  Well, within the week the girls were milking cows, feeding goats, picking up chicks, riding horses, and patting the afore-mentioned sheep.  They had a brilliant time!  They learnt how to pick apples, strawberries, rasperries.  They learnt how to pull potatoes, and they saw what a day old piglet looks like.

One of the things I miss when living in Singapore is that connection with the earth, and with the other animals that not only inhabit this world with us, but provide all our sustenance.  When you see this all working, it gives you a greater sense of respect and awe for all that is.  I hope it stirred some of the same respect in my children.

Its difficult eating REAL food here, but I have found a great online organic farm, Green Circle, which does deliveries for a reasonable cost (Thanks Andrea for the info!).  I like supporting them as they are local producers - though many of their non-Singapore grown produce is obviously air-flown in.  The fact that there are pockets of farms and people trying to provide good, fresh, organic food is definitely worth supporting!

Find out more about Green Circle Farm here http://www.greencircle.com.sg/

I’m OK, You’re OK

I was having coffee with a dear friend today and reminded of how any group can become judgmental, even when they have your ‘best interests’ at heart.  My friend was upset because at a recent coaching group meeting, the group had tried to ‘coach’ him around an issue he was having.  The issue came about because he had a difference of opinion with the rest of the group.  It doesn’t matter what the issue was, simply that the rest of the group felt he was wrong – and they were right.  The fact that he was getting angry at their ‘gang’ mentality simply proved he was hiding something!

We are all guilty of this, and I sometimes think the ‘self-help’ world especially so.  We all have our little theories on how the world works, some of us feel so strongly about our beliefs we are happy to go to war over them.  Yet for me, the act of trying to make someone change simply because you feel they ought to, is downright bullying.  My friend felt that his group was trying to show him something that he was somehow blocked on.  And often it is others who can see where we are blocked – and it is great when they point these blind spots out to us so we can grow.  However, this is only the case if the advice is asked for!  If my friend had asked for help, if he had seen a need for help, then their advice would have been accepted, and given, with dignity.  Yet to force our advice onto others – as is what happened in this case, leaves both parties feeling frustrated.  The coaching group felt that my friend was not listening and not shifting his opinion.  And my friend felt he was being bullied and undermined.  Even talking to him today, he feels the group didn’t understand his view, and he feels demeaned as a result.  Hardly a desired outcome for a coaching group! 

The interesting thing about how this works is that we do it all the time!  This coaching group has been together many years and they all love and support each other dearly, I know them all as incredibly thoughtful and supportive people – so how did this outcome happen?  It happens with our partners, our friends, our children.  We love them and want the best for them so we try to ‘help’ to guide and to give them our experience, our wisdom.  But often all we need to do is simply love them, and accept them for who they are and where they are at this particular moment in time.

I asked my friend how it would have felt if instead of advice, he had simply received their unconditional acceptance and love, no questions asked.  You should have seen his face – it really said it all. 

So next time you find yourself frustrated at a loved one for not taking your ‘advice’, try taking a step back and tell yourself to stop bullying them, and try loving them unconditionally instead.  When you see the big smile spread across their face, you’ll see it’s a much better way to live!

Hanging out with the right people

Over the years, during class and beyond, people have asked me how to deal with ‘energy vampires’, those people who suck our energy and make us feel exhausted.  Those people who have a loooooong sob story and a ‘poor me’ story, and life has treated them sooooo bad.  People who just want to talk and talk and unload all their woes and all their troubles onto you.  I was reminded of this type of person a few nights ago when I was attending a function and from out of nowhere an energy vampire descended and began to feast on me!

The short answer is: run for the hills!  That’s exactly what I did with this particular person, and here’s why.  You can try to save them, change their mind, let them see the light, support them and listen emphatically, and do all the other things we’re taught to do (ie. Be NICE) but the truth is, they will not change an ounce of what they’re doing – they will not suddenly wake up having spent an hour feasting on you and declare “eureka! I see the light! From now on I shall only be optimistic and positive and vibrate love!”  NO!  They will say “phew, that feels better, I need to do more of that unloading – where’s the next victim I can talk to?”  OK, of course they are not thinking of you as a victim – but that’s what you are.  No matter how much you ‘support’ them, listen to them, sympathize with them - it will never get better until they can see for themselves the cycle they have got themselves in. 

I am writing about this because too often we get trapped into thinking that we need to ‘support’ our friends and family and we spend far too much time hanging around in negative energy instead of positive energy.  As a weekend Reiki class will teach you, hanging around in positive energy for a prolonged period of time can be a really cool thing to do!  Perhaps redefine what ‘support’ means to you.  For me, it simply means ‘to help another person’ and I mean that in the very literal sense.  Often I withdraw myself from people or situations because I know that I am of no true help here – I may be able to provide ‘relief’ but not true and lasting ‘help’.  And frankly, relief is simply prolonging the pain.  If you really want to help you friends and family, you’ll focus on yourself and keep blazing the path towards the light.

What that means for me is spending time with myself and with the things I truly enjoy doing.  Spending time with my children and soaking up their purity, spending time with yoga and meditation, and reminding myself frequently during the day how incredibly lucky I am to be a spiritual being having a physical experience.  I take the time to hang out with positive people,  I take the time to find these people and nurture the relationships. To me, being positive and loving and beaming out this energy is the most helpful thing I can possibly do, and if we all took the time to focus on being positive and loving, what a different world we’d live in today!