I was having coffee with a dear friend today and reminded of how any group can become judgmental, even when they have your ‘best interests’ at heart. My friend was upset because at a recent coaching group meeting, the group had tried to ‘coach’ him around an issue he was having. The issue came about because he had a difference of opinion with the rest of the group. It doesn’t matter what the issue was, simply that the rest of the group felt he was wrong – and they were right. The fact that he was getting angry at their ‘gang’ mentality simply proved he was hiding something!
We are all guilty of this, and I sometimes think the ‘self-help’ world especially so. We all have our little theories on how the world works, some of us feel so strongly about our beliefs we are happy to go to war over them. Yet for me, the act of trying to make someone change simply because you feel they ought to, is downright bullying. My friend felt that his group was trying to show him something that he was somehow blocked on. And often it is others who can see where we are blocked – and it is great when they point these blind spots out to us so we can grow. However, this is only the case if the advice is asked for! If my friend had asked for help, if he had seen a need for help, then their advice would have been accepted, and given, with dignity. Yet to force our advice onto others – as is what happened in this case, leaves both parties feeling frustrated. The coaching group felt that my friend was not listening and not shifting his opinion. And my friend felt he was being bullied and undermined. Even talking to him today, he feels the group didn’t understand his view, and he feels demeaned as a result. Hardly a desired outcome for a coaching group!
The interesting thing about how this works is that we do it all the time! This coaching group has been together many years and they all love and support each other dearly, I know them all as incredibly thoughtful and supportive people – so how did this outcome happen? It happens with our partners, our friends, our children. We love them and want the best for them so we try to ‘help’ to guide and to give them our experience, our wisdom. But often all we need to do is simply love them, and accept them for who they are and where they are at this particular moment in time.
I asked my friend how it would have felt if instead of advice, he had simply received their unconditional acceptance and love, no questions asked. You should have seen his face – it really said it all.
So next time you find yourself frustrated at a loved one for not taking your ‘advice’, try taking a step back and tell yourself to stop bullying them, and try loving them unconditionally instead. When you see the big smile spread across their face, you’ll see it’s a much better way to live!
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