If someone is rude to you, are you rude in return? Do you believe in an eye for an eye, or do you believe in following your own inner guidance system? We all have different values and following other peoples’ beliefs instead of your own can cause considerable pain and unhappiness.
I recently gave a talk on Reiki and Stress and an encounter with a lady in the audience gave me food for thought. During my talk I was explaining the difference between our internal values and vision, and our limiting beliefs. She provided me with a brilliant example. Here is her story:
She is a Singaporean but spent much of her life abroad. When she came back several years ago, she experienced a big culture shock. She decided that the only way to really live happily is to try to 'fit in', when in Rome..... Her examples were mainly to do with courtesy, she seemed to feel that people here are not very courteous - they don't acknowledge you, say thank you, say sorry when they bump into you etc. This perplexed her, but her reaction was to follow the crowd. So now she also does not acknowledge, does not say sorry, does not give thanks.
What was interesting about her story is that while she was telling it, she was obviously not very happy about who she had become. In order to become what she viewed as Singapore behavior' she had lost sight of who she wanted to be. As you can imagine, her comments erupted a lot of heated discussion - not least from those who disagreed with her view of Singapore! My point here is not her actual belief, but how damaging that belief is to her happiness.
If we look at her internal values - she probably feels that being courteous, kind, giving thanks, and acknowledging people is very important. Certainly she feels that being acknowledged by others herself is very important.
Yet her limiting beliefs are:
1) Singaporeans are not courteous
2) People only deserve my acknowledgement if they acknowledge me first
3) In order to be happy I have to act like other people
In my eyes, and in yours I'm sure, all these beliefs are limiting because they are all inaccurate!
In being true to yourself, you need to decide how you are going to behave in this world - then behave like that, no matter what. We need to figure out our values, what is important to us and then make sure all our beliefs align up with that.
So if we were to review her beliefs, and align them with her values (to be courteous, to acknowledge others, to be kind), we could say:
1) people have their own ways of behaving
2) people deserve my acknowledgement
3) I am responsible for my own happiness
Notice that values are things that come from deep inside, they are not 'needs' from other people. They are ways we want to behave - no matter what others are doing. If you think your value is based on what others think about you, or how others behave around you, then you are muddling up values with needs. I might need people to approve of me, I might need people to acknowledge me - but that is not the same as how I will value and behave towards them, at all times.
Being true to yourself requires courage, and it may require letting go of people who disapprove. Asking them politely to let you do what you feel is right for you, and acknowledging that they would do it differently. Asking them to respect your values, and respecting theirs in return.
I still smile at people when they look grouchy - and 7out of 10 they smile back. 3 out of 10 they do not. Are those 3 people going to dictate the way I feel, and how I behave next time?
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