Self Love Includes the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

If you are a person who consistently marks themselves down, you will probably be able to list your 'dark side' extremely well. When I ask for an equally long list of strengths, it will cause unrest, discomfort and embarrassment.The opposite is true for those who find it easier to list their strengths - especially if you've done a lot of personal growth work! In personal strength work we are taught how to look at our strengths and to ‘embrace our power’ - this is great! But the danger is we side-step our flaws, we ignore them or push them under, and thus give them MORE power to hit us later.

There is a thought that whatever we react to strongly in life is a direct reflection of what we fear is true about ourselves at a deeper level. For example, if we hate judgmental people, then it means we fear we are judgmental. If we hate stubborn people, it means we fear we are stubborn. Things mirror us in life, and if we avoid looking at ourselves deeply and embracing our stubborn, judgmental selves, then we will always react to the outside mirrors with hatred and repulsion. Think of the number of times someone has accused you of something and you have recoiled in disbelief - but that's how THEY are being! Not YOU!!

I've felt this way a million times! I remember having arguments with my dad when I was younger, he would accuse me of being stubborn - I couldn't believe it because I was about to say exactly the same thing about him! Then later, I would watch others argue and accuse each other of being stubborn - and as a third party, it was obvious to see that they were both being stubborn - not one or the other was totally at fault.

If it’s not an inner weakness, you simply don't react. Sometimes when I'm teaching, a student will say something that 50% of the class gets very upset about - they react - and 50% have no emotion but understanding and compassion. Why the difference? If someone says something offensive or judgmental - shouldn't everyone react the same way? Well, if you are judgmental yourself - you will immediately see that trait in someone else. But if you are not judgmental, it seriously won't bother you - you'll wonder about where the comment came from, you'll question their belief system, but you won't get an emotional 'I don't believe they said that!' reaction.

When you accept your inner flaws a strange thing happens, their power over you diminishes. I am stubborn, I hate being wrong, I'm over-sensitive, emotional, fickle. When people accuse me of this, I still respond with 'ouch!' but that is better than 'NO, I'm NOT!' because I accept that I am, that's me, and that's OK. When I respond with an 'ouch!' it’s a reminder that what they say is true. Then I have a choice to modify my behavior, to double check if there is a better way to be responding, or to simply acknowledge that what they say is correct. It’s hard to do, I still don't do it well...but practice makes perfect!

Without even acknowledging our 'dark side', how can we possibly set out to change it?