Elaine Grundy

Since becoming a mother over 5 years ago, I have slowly gone from 'Average Drama Queen whose World Revolves Around Her' to 'Raving Lunatic Mum Who Shouts Too Much and Hyperventilates'.  I can see that my previous life of highly strung self-absorption was not going to be the best precursor to 'Earth Mother' but neither was I prepared to enter into the concept that I might actually end up on one of those 'Parenting Nightmare' reality TV shows popping up all over the place. Yet here I am, writing about Anger Management, and speaking from painful (and as yet not fully resolved) experience.

So, here's my take on Anger management and different ways of looking at the monster within….

1. Anger is just a symptom of a bigger problem, it is not the problem itself – and neither is the thing you're getting upset about. So give yourself some slack and next time you blow your top try to step back and remember that there's another issue going on under all this that is making you steam.

2. When you get angry its a sign that something is not right, either you feel taken advantage of, or you feel suppressed, or you feel out of control, or or or. But as a sign, this is a USEFUL thing, not something to shy away from. Its OK to acknowledge anger as a sign that something is up, you just don't have to then go forwards with it and smash up the crockery.

3. Once you see anger as the sign or a symptom and not the enemy, then you can start digging for the real root cause. This has a lot of power. Instead of letting anger take you on its ride you can stop short and say 'hey, I'm feeling angry, what's up with that?' I know, sounds lame – but it works!

Here’s a classic example, sleep depravation. My kids don’t sleep – in fact I can count the number of full night’s undisturbed sleep I have had in the past 4 years on one hand, I’m sure many of you can relate. When I have had a particularly bad run of sleep depravation I wake up grumpy and I just know my day is going to suck. And so it does.

Now, if I have my wits about me, I can alarm bell myself and think “Ah, you’re just crabby because you are overtired. It’s not your fault and it’s not your children’s fault, it just is. And it will be better tomorrow”. It’s amazing how well it works. YES I still get cranky and have a short fuse, but I actually tell my kids this (they are only 4 and 2 but they get it), I even go so far as to say “Sorry if I’m a bit cranky and snappy today, I’m just tired”. Now, I’m sure some expert or other will tell me I’m doing a terrible thing, but to me and my kids I am outlining the real root cause of my anger – sleep depravation – and keeping watch that I don’t damage my relationship with my kids by making it their fault.

Understanding that the feeling of anger is simply an alarm bell for something else has helped me enormously, and it also helps me to disperse it. Watch your children for great examples of this! Last week we were away for a family holiday with another family with kids – by day 3 all the kids were screaming and fighting and hitting, utter chaos! I separated my eldest and we went for quiet time, whilst colouring I asked her to explain to me more about her aggressive feelings and why they were coming up. She said simply “I’m getting too excited”, when I asked her what she needed me to do to help her to calm down, she said “I’d like you to play with me by myself” I understood her to mean she needed some quiet one on one attention, she needed for things to slow down, and she needed a quieter environment. When all her needs were met, she calmed right back down and the fighting stopped.

When is the last time you really looked at your own unmet needs? Whether it’s more sleep, more quiet time, slowing down, asking for help – your anger is a symptom that somewhere your needs are not being met. Instead of taking it out on the children, your spouse, the pillow, why not say ’thank you for the warning!’ and get your needs met instead!

Unhappy responses have become our habit, and we have forgotten that we have a choice in how we feel. Accepting this simple fact is hard, I know. I can think of 3 main unhappy habits that cause barriers to constant happiness (I'm sure you can tell me more!)What are my 3 main unhappy habits?

1. looking outside for comfort and happiness.
2. thinking that happiness is a goal.
3. using unhappiness as a tool for proving a point.

Unhappy Habit 1 – looking outside for comfort and happiness (being a victim of external events)

Tragic events hit all of us in our lives, we cannot escape it. The question is, how do we choose to deal with it? Here's a story to illustrate my point. Several years ago, a dear friend of mine died of cancer at a young age, leaving a young family behind. It was tragic, terribly sad, and I felt very upset for the family, as well as for the loss of such a vibrant friend. For a few weeks after the death, I woke up with a heavy heart and a feeling of sadness. In essence, I felt the event was making me sad.

However, I noticed that in the split second as I woke, before my brain got in gear, I felt normal (for me 'normal' is light, carefree, content) then I 'remembered' I was supposed to be sad, and instantly felt sad and heavy again. When I realized that my real self was quite happy, I immediately felt guilt – after all, you're supposed to feel sad when a friend dies, and feeling 'normal' was not how it should be. I also felt bad because the external tragedy should affect me more deeply, it should make me depressed. But in honesty, it was my 'should be feeling like this or that' mind that was triggering my depression, and not my real self.

This is not to say I did not feel deeply about the incident, or that I lacked compassion. It just meant that I had more choice about how to feel than I had previously realized, and if I was honest with myself, feeling happy was a better way of feeling and allowed me to give more compassion to the family.

How many of us are playing this same game? Life and others tell us we 'should' feel bad about this or that, or we 'should' feel unhappy about our situation. But what happens to our energy if we choose to feel happy about it? It doesn't mean we don't change it, it just means we action from a place of strength (happiness) rather than a place of weakness (fear/ anger)

Unhappy Habit 2 – happiness as a goal

"I'll be happy when I get some sleep", "I'll be happy when my kids are less demanding", "I'll be happy when I loose weight", "I'll be happy when my husband starts to help out more". What you’re really saying is, “I’ll be UNHAPPY until I get such and such…”

My favorite was "I'll be happy when I get more sleep". I was convinced that my moodiness was due to sleep depravation, and in truth it had a lot to do with it. However, when both my girls started to sleep through the night and I was getting enough sleep to be able to easily function, I was still feeling grumpy and frustrated! My new goal was “I’ll be happy when I start working again” and so on…

The important point to get here is that happiness just IS, it is in all of us already. Goals are goals, happiness is happiness, don't get the two things muddled up!

Goals are things we set out to achieve – they can often trigger happiness, but rarely sustain it for long. Happiness is something that exists without goals. I prefer to see happiness as the foundation – if you are already happy, your goals come from your passions and your inner purpose. If you are unhappy, your goals come from desperation. Which do you think have a higher success rate?

Unhappy Habit 3 – manipulating others and being unhappy to prove a point

Think of the last time you had a sulk with your partner, s/he triggered you in some way, said something that was mean or unfair. You responded by sulking/getting angry/ sullen silence/ tearful (you fill in the gap!) and the reason you did this was so that s/he got the message loud and clear that s/he had done something wrong. Nothing wrong with that, but is there an easier way, a more joyful way?

What if you kept your happiness and simply pointed out to your parter that what s/he had done/ said was mean/unfair and state the reason why. Do you have to sulk/ get angry in order to get the message across (and if the answer is yes, what does that say about the state of your communication and the honesty of your relationship?!).

We all play this game to some extent, the tough question to ask yourself is "is this the most effective way to get what I want?". As Dr Phil says: "do you want to be right, or happy?"

Did you respond to one or more of these habits of unhappiness? Habits can change, but in order to change we need to replace them with better habits. What would happen if we acknowledged that all we needed to be truly happy was to PRACTICE being happy? A leap, I know, but what are your barriers to this way of thinking? What if Happiness truly was just a habit….wouldn’t you want to choose it?

If you are a person who consistently marks themselves down, you will probably be able to list your 'dark side' extremely well. When I ask for an equally long list of strengths, it will cause unrest, discomfort and embarrassment.The opposite is true for those who find it easier to list their strengths – especially if you've done a lot of personal growth work! In personal strength work we are taught how to look at our strengths and to ‘embrace our power’ – this is great! But the danger is we side-step our flaws, we ignore them or push them under, and thus give them MORE power to hit us later.

There is a thought that whatever we react to strongly in life is a direct reflection of what we fear is true about ourselves at a deeper level. For example, if we hate judgmental people, then it means we fear we are judgmental. If we hate stubborn people, it means we fear we are stubborn. Things mirror us in life, and if we avoid looking at ourselves deeply and embracing our stubborn, judgmental selves, then we will always react to the outside mirrors with hatred and repulsion. Think of the number of times someone has accused you of something and you have recoiled in disbelief – but that's how THEY are being! Not YOU!!

I've felt this way a million times! I remember having arguments with my dad when I was younger, he would accuse me of being stubborn – I couldn't believe it because I was about to say exactly the same thing about him! Then later, I would watch others argue and accuse each other of being stubborn – and as a third party, it was obvious to see that they were both being stubborn – not one or the other was totally at fault.

If it’s not an inner weakness, you simply don't react. Sometimes when I'm teaching, a student will say something that 50% of the class gets very upset about – they react – and 50% have no emotion but understanding and compassion. Why the difference? If someone says something offensive or judgmental – shouldn't everyone react the same way? Well, if you are judgmental yourself – you will immediately see that trait in someone else. But if you are not judgmental, it seriously won't bother you – you'll wonder about where the comment came from, you'll question their belief system, but you won't get an emotional 'I don't believe they said that!' reaction.

When you accept your inner flaws a strange thing happens, their power over you diminishes. I am stubborn, I hate being wrong, I'm over-sensitive, emotional, fickle. When people accuse me of this, I still respond with 'ouch!' but that is better than 'NO, I'm NOT!' because I accept that I am, that's me, and that's OK. When I respond with an 'ouch!' it’s a reminder that what they say is true. Then I have a choice to modify my behavior, to double check if there is a better way to be responding, or to simply acknowledge that what they say is correct. It’s hard to do, I still don't do it well…but practice makes perfect!

Without even acknowledging our 'dark side', how can we possibly set out to change it?

Do you think in order to be happy you have to improve your life, reach your goals, or change something? Actually it is actually the other way round. Once you realize you can be happy right NOW even with your life in total chaos – THEN change can occur, and will occur effortlessly.Focus on being happy and the rest will follow.

Here’s an example: Imagine its 5pm. The kids are tired and hungry. They’re whining for food, for TV, for juice, for hugs. You’re tired and stressed out. You’re juggling the hot saucepan whilst trying to reason with your eldest who’s throwing a tantrum because you mixed her peas in with her carrots. You’re starting to panic because you’ve got company tonight and the house looks like a bomb hit it. Then your youngest throws his plate on the floor and splatters food everywhere. Pause….What’s your next response?

Throw a tantrum too?

Take a deep breath, laugh, or just relax?

Either choice…..what’s the consequence of each response?

1. By throwing a tantrum or getting exasperated you choose to escalate the tension. You get angry, you huff and puff whilst clearing up the mess, you raise your voice and feel uptight. Your children feel bad, mommy’s angry and it’s their fault, they get whinier still vying for your attention. Your spiral of anger and frustration increases.

2. By laughing, or relaxing you choose to defuse it. You release the tension in your body, your children get to laugh with you “oops, look what just happened, lets be more careful next time, ok?” The tension evaporates; you remember how wonderful your children are. The whining is exchanged for playfulness.

In both cases, you still have to clear up the mess and prepare the house for guests – but it is not hard to see which response will be more fun, and bring more happiness to you and your children. You are not the victim here, you are in control – you choose your response, no one else does it for you.

Happiness is a Habit!

No one says being in control of your response is easy! The key is to keep practicing your response. Simply practicing and choosing to be happy will have an immediate impact on your outlook. Try this exercise…

…think about an event that brings you great joy – a fabulous achievement, a wonderful holiday, the birth of your child, your marriage day….anything that you can remember clearly as being a happy time. Bring up the memory again in your mind, close your eyes and fill your mind with the memory. Breath deeply into the memory, visualize it as clearly as you can with all your senses – what can you see, feel, hear, touch, smell. Can you feel the same feelings of joy and happiness? Because you can re-create it in your imagination, it means it is always available to you. Feelings of happiness come from WITHIN, not from without!

For the following few days, consciously remind yourself of this happy memory as often as you can (write post-its, pop-up email reminders, anything to keep you constantly changing your thought habits). Don’t just think of a person (eg. child, loved one) but think of an occasion with the person that was a happy one – its easier for your mind to attach an emotion to a particular incident, and easier for you to recall.

Take care to do this at a deeper level than simply thinking ‘I’m happy’! You need to remember the incident with your heart. For some of us it may mean creating ‘quiet time’ for a few minutes every few hours. Try it every time you go to the bathroom!

Watch out for your inner self-sabotage, that voice that says”this is so fake!” and ask your inner voice “Why would you prefer me to feel angry?!” Some days you will prefer to feel frustrated or sad or angry – but this is your choice, even if you have the worst day in the world, you can still choose to remember a happy memory, or to submerse yourself in the negativity of the events around you. These are your thoughts, choose the happy ones!

Coaching Creates lasting change. A Coach helps you to focus on what you want in life, helps you to plan, and finally put into action events that will get you there. A Coach provides the sounding board, the support, and the extra motivation to keep you on track. Most importantly, a Coach is always on your side.Changes usually fail because we lack persistence; it’s too easy to fall back on old habits and the way we've always done things. For change to last, you need to break the old habit and replace it with a new and healthier one. A Coach provides the encouragement you need to keep persisting.

When we change, all those around us have to change too – and this can be hard for others to support. When we are trying to break out of old molds, sometimes those we love most try to hold us back – not because they don't love us, but because most people fear change. A coach is an objective yet supportive partner in your efforts to change, especially when you need to create a supportive environment beyond your friends and family.

WHO CAN A COACH HELP?

Anyone who is willing to apply themselves, and wanting to grow. My most successful clients are willing to be 100% honest about themselves, and willing to dig deep. They are usually very courageous, and take action.

Coaching only works when you are motivated to try new ways of thinking, and are open to feeling ‘uncomfortable’ as new habits are formed. People who respond best to coaching are self-aware, enjoy personal growth, and willing to be honest with themselves.

WHY COACHING WORKS

It’s a Partnership not a Crutch!
A coach supports you, yet is independent. The relationship is equal, and respectful. Its not counseling or psychotherapy, the focus is always on what you want to achieve

There are Frequent Meetings and Structure.
Goals and direction are set and weekly reviews are made. It is very motivating, and amazing progress is made! Having accountability means that new habits are much easier to form and keep.

Focus is Holistic.
The aim is to strengthen all areas of your life and not just focus on the issue at hand. Life is much easier, and clearer, when in balance.

Better Goals are Set.
You set the goals you truly want, and are ready for. Higher goals are set because of the support and affirmation you get from the coach.

The work is Deep and Meaningful.
A coach helps you get to the source of what's happening, instead of working on the surface symptoms. Coaches help you uncover the true issues at work.

You take Effective Action.
The focus is on awareness and action to create the life you want more quickly vs. being 'busy'. Actions are chosen because they will have a profound impact on your goals, not just to have a hefty ‘to do’ list.

The Law of Attraction is Applied.
When you feel good about yourself, you begin to attract good things into your life, as opposed to chasing it or trying hard to get it. This is when you are in the 'flow'.

HOW DOES A COACHING SESSION WORK?

A typical coaching session takes place face to face, or via telephone. Sessions are usually 45min to an hour. Conversations might centre around; What’s working and what’s not. Things you are currently stretching for and issues you would like to resolve. Any actions you are currently taking and actions you feel inspired to take in the future. Any barriers you feel resistance to and ways to overcome them.

Every session is focused on finding ways forward, not looking backwards.

Most Coaches offer free introductory sessions so that both Coach and "Coachee" can see if there is a good fit. When you talk to a Coach, have some goals prepared and see what sort of questions the Coach asks you, and whether you have a good 'gut feel' about how the session went. Its good to shop around and talk to several Coaches…I always do!

Do you think in order to be happy you have to improve your life, reach your goals, or change something? Actually it is actually the other way round. Once you realize you can be happy right NOW even with your life in total chaos – THEN change can occur, and will occur effortlessly.Focus on being happy and the rest will follow.

Here’s an example: Imagine its 5pm. The kids are tired and hungry. They’re whining for food, for TV, for juice, for hugs. You’re tired and stressed out. You’re juggling the hot saucepan whilst trying to reason with your eldest who’s throwing a tantrum because you mixed her peas in with her carrots. You’re starting to panic because you’ve got company tonight and the house looks like a bomb hit it. Then your youngest throws his plate on the floor and splatters food everywhere. Pause….What’s your next response?

Throw a tantrum too?

Take a deep breath, laugh, or just relax?

Either choice…..what’s the consequence of each response?

1. By throwing a tantrum or getting exasperated you choose to escalate the tension. You get angry, you huff and puff whilst clearing up the mess, you raise your voice and feel uptight. Your children feel bad, mommy’s angry and it’s their fault, they get whinier still vying for your attention. Your spiral of anger and frustration increases.

2. By laughing, or relaxing you choose to defuse it. You release the tension in your body, your children get to laugh with you “oops, look what just happened, lets be more careful next time, ok?” The tension evaporates; you remember how wonderful your children are. The whining is exchanged for playfulness.

In both cases, you still have to clear up the mess and prepare the house for guests – but it is not hard to see which response will be more fun, and bring more happiness to you and your children. You are not the victim here, you are in control – you choose your response, no one else does it for you.

Happiness is a Habit!

No one says being in control of your response is easy! The key is to keep practicing your response. Simply practicing and choosing to be happy will have an immediate impact on your outlook. Try this exercise…

…think about an event that brings you great joy – a fabulous achievement, a wonderful holiday, the birth of your child, your marriage day….anything that you can remember clearly as being a happy time. Bring up the memory again in your mind, close your eyes and fill your mind with the memory. Breath deeply into the memory, visualize it as clearly as you can with all your senses – what can you see, feel, hear, touch, smell. Can you feel the same feelings of joy and happiness? Because you can re-create it in your imagination, it means it is always available to you. Feelings of happiness come from WITHIN, not from without!

For the following few days, consciously remind yourself of this happy memory as often as you can (write post-its, pop-up email reminders, anything to keep you constantly changing your thought habits). Don't just think of a person (eg. child, loved one) but think of an occasion with the person that was a happy one – its easier for your mind to attach an emotion to a particular incident, and easier for you to recall.

Take care to do this at a deeper level than simply thinking 'I'm happy'! You need to remember the incident with your heart. For some of us it may mean creating 'quiet time' for a few minutes every few hours. Try it every time you go to the bathroom!

Watch out for your inner self-sabotage, that voice that says”this is so fake!” and ask your inner voice “Why would you prefer me to feel angry?!” Some days you will prefer to feel frustrated or sad or angry – but this is your choice, even if you have the worst day in the world, you can still choose to remember a happy memory, or to submerse yourself in the negativity of the events around you. These are your thoughts, choose the happy ones!

I gave a talk on Reiki and Stress several years ago in New York and an encounter with a lady in the audience gave me food for thought. During my talk I was explaining the difference between our internal values and vision, and our limiting beliefs. She provided me with a brilliant example.

Here is her story:

She is a New Yorker but spent much of her life abroad. When she came back several years ago, she experienced a big culture shock. She decided that the only way to really live happily is to try to 'fit in', when in Rome….. Her examples were mainly to do with courtesy, she seemed to feel that people here are not very courteous – they don't acknowledge you, say thank you, say sorry when they bump into you etc. This perplexed her, but her reaction was to follow the crowd. So now she also does not acknowledge, does not say sorry, does not give thanks.

What was interesting about her story is that while she was telling it, she was obviously not very happy about who she had become. In order to become what she viewed as 'New York behavior' she had lost sight of who she wanted to be. As you can imagine, her comments erupted a lot of heated discussion – not least from those who disagreed with her view of New Yorkers! My point here is not her actual belief, but how damaging that belief is to her happiness.

If we look at her internal values – she probably feels that being courteous, kind, giving thanks, and acknowledging people is very important. Certainly she feels that being acknowledged by others herself is very important.

Yet her limiting beliefs are:

1) New Yorkers are not courteous.

2) People only deserve my acknowledgement if they acknowledge me first.

3) In order to be happy I have to act like other people.

In my eyes, and in yours I'm sure, all these beliefs are limiting because they are all inaccurate!

In being true to yourself, we need to decide how we are going to behave in this world – then behave like that, no matter what. We need to figure out our values, what is important to us and then make sure all our beliefs align up with that.

So if we were to review her beliefs, and align them with her values (to be courteous, to acknowledge others, to be kind), we could say:

1) People have their own ways of behaving

2) People deserve my acknowledgement

3) I am responsible for my own happiness

Notice that values are things that come from deep inside, they are not 'needs' from other people. They are ways we want to behave – no matter what others are doing. If you think your value is based on what others think about you, or how others behave around you, then you are muddling up values with needs. I might need people to approve of me, I might need people to acknowledge me – but that is not the same as how I will value and behave towards them, at all times.

Being true to yourself requires courage, and it may require letting go of people who disapprove. Asking them politely to let you do what you feel is right for you, and acknowledging that they would do it differently. Asking them to respect your values, and respecting theirs in return.

I still smile at people when they look grouchy – and 7 out of 10 they smile back. 3 out of 10 they do not. Are those 3 people going to dictate the way I feel, and how I behave next time?