Elaine Grundy: looking for Urban Enlightenment

Welcome to Flow

To flow through life is to experience fluidity, flexibility, peace, and an inner joy that comes from being fully present.  Most of us reach for these feelings of peace and joy through striving, achieving, and pushing.  But flow is not resistance, it is the lack of resistance that creates inner peace.

Aligned with my passion for teaching Reiki is personal coaching.  I teach workshops on Law of Attraction, and The Work of Byron Katie.  I help people intent on following their own inner current, and wanting to see it authentically present in every aspect of their lives.

This is my blog on all things flowing, and some not so.  I write about what I learn through my own life, and through watching my students, clients, friends, family.

For all things Reiki as well as Workshops, Talks and fun things to learn, please go to www.reikicentre.com.sg

Creating Breathing Space - Part 2

Another aspect of looking for the space is to look for space around your thoughts.  Many of our beliefs and thoughts are so TIGHT there is no way we can release them, and it feels like that too – like if you released it you would explode – like it’s the ONE thing holding you together!

A wonderful example is taken from a conversation with a friend, see if you can relate to this.  She has a relationship with her dad whereby she can only stand a few moments before the tension starts to build.  He starts talking, and talking and talking and she things ‘oh my god, I can’t STAND this!’  I have this with one of the mums at school, I almost can’t look at her for fear of setting her off on one of her tirades.  Funny, but I think I am going to slap her – it’s such a strong reaction to this poor woman who is literally just standing next to me opening her mouth and making sounds.  Somehow I think the sounds are going to make me explode!

My friend had this epiphany…what would happen to me if I just stood there and listened?  WOULD I actually explode?  The belief that you can’t stand it anymore slowly loosens – there is space.  So she tried it, next time she visited her father she thought to herself, I’m here for an hour, I’m dedicating my time to this, there is nowhere else to be, nothing else to do.  Just sit, listen, engage.  And she did.  Just like that.  Amazing.  Now her thoughts are looser, there is space around it, she knows she CAN stand it, she knows she isn’t going to explode.  With this new information, who knows what can happen?

I was inspired by her.  I tried it with my school mum, I looked her in the eyes, she set off on a run with a minute by minute account of her day from 7am till we met and what else she had to do till 10pm that night.  I listened, nodded and then slapped her on the face.  Heehee, only kidding! 

Ok, so I’ve still got a way to go to loosen this particular one!  If you’ve got a sticky one like this, here’s what I’m doing which helps:

1.       She is so annoying because: (list all the reasons why you think they are so annoying)

2.       If I listen to her/him, what do you fear will happen?

3.       What advice would you give them to help them be less annoying?

For no. 1, turn it around on yourself – can you find examples where you have done this too in your past?

For no 2, do Inquiry – is this belief true? How do you behave toward them when you think its true?  Who would you be without this thought?  Turn it around.

For no 3, turn the advice around on yourself – feel the truth of it and where you could apply it in your own life.

Annoying people are truly a gift for us, they highlight areas we are trying to improve in our own lives, or blind spots that could use a bit of improvement.  Think about your own friends who find others annoying and test it – it’s always easier to see it from the outside.  Honestly, is what they complain about in others also areas that could do with some polishing in their own lives?

The outside world is always our mirror, there are no accidents that what irritates us is what needs fixing in us.  It’s very often hard to see (or admit to) but if you want your own peace, you need to get down and dirty and honest.  If you like your stress, then by all means keep your denial :)

Creating Breathing Space

One of the most powerful awakenings from the Byron Katie Work is the realization that my mind works so fast that there is absolutely NO room for breath, space or consideration.  The world happens, I react.  Someone speaks, I respond, and then I am already onto the next response before I have even heard their reply (especially true in disagreements).  This lack of space to process what was going on was so disturbing to me – at first I had to sit down after each exchange and write it all out – what did he say, what did I say, like a dialogue script.  Then I would stare at it in disbelief, where was I when all this was going on?  What was coming out of my mouth was totally unconscious drivel, fear based, defense based, justification based – not an ounce of wisdom, love, or kindness. 

During the next phase I started noticing when I was asleep – like the mouth was moving but no one was at home, and then I immediately shut up (sometimes mid-sentence) and I wouldn’t answer until I had processed what they said and checked what was coming out.  This slowed things down significantly.  Interestingly children get this intuitively and really appreciate it, like they know you are listening (at last).  Adults who are also asleep look at you like you are mentally incapacitated “come on!” they shout – mostly in their mind – “what do you want to say, spit it out!!”  But I have learnt to ignore their impatience as I am sure they would prefer a measured, kind and wise response to defensive drivel.  Afterall, is there really a time frame for a kind word?

Third stage, the mind learns how to create space around thoughts automatically and you speed up again, only slowing down when you feel the emotions rising.  The emotions are such an incredible barometer of authenticity.  You are being authentic when you feel calm, peaceful and loving.   When you can look at someone with no feeling of time, pressure, or agenda. Everything else is defense, unease and out of flow.  So it’s pretty easy to check in with yourself and see how you are doing.

There are still many times (like this morning!) when I jump into sleep mode again, when the motor-mouth takes over and I feel like I am witnessing a car crash on TV – uhoh…there she goes again, speeding up!  Accelerating!  Watch the BARRIER!!! CRASH!!!!!  Oops…

Back to writing it all down again, hohum..

But there is no blame now, its all part of the Work, part of the process, part of learning to live this life fully, lovingly and authentically.  Every time I experience my asleepness, I write it down, question my thinking, and look forward to the next time to do it all over again, or not.

Workshop Schedule

List of Upcoming Events

• November 2009:
  • 3 Nov Tue : Open House Reiki Share - 12:30 pm
  • 4 Nov Wed : Free Reiki Introductory Talk - 7:30 pm
  • 6 Nov Fri : Usui Reiki Level 3 Workshop - 9:30 am
  • 10 Nov Tue : Open House Reiki Share - 12:30 pm
  • 11 Nov Wed : Reiki Share Evening (Reiki Practitioners) - 7:30 pm
  • 14 Nov Sat : Usui Reiki Level 1 Workshop (Beginners) - 9:30 am
  • 17 Nov Tue : Open House Reiki Share - 12:30 pm
  • 24 Nov Tue : Usui Reiki Level 1 Workshop (Beginners) - 9:30 am
  • 25 Nov Wed : Inquiry Circle, practicing the Work of Byron Katie - 7:30 pm
  • 28 Nov Sat : Reiki for Children Workshop - 10:00 am
• December 2009:
  • 2 Dec Wed : Free Reiki Introductory Talk - 7:30 pm
  • 5 Dec Sat : Kundalini Reiki Level I (Beginners) - 9:30 am
  • 9 Dec Wed : Reiki Share Evening (Reiki Practitioners) - 7:30 pm
  • 11 Dec Fri : Usui Reiki Level 2 Workshop - 7:30 pm
  • 16 Dec Wed : Law of Attraction Evening - 7:30 pm
• January 2010:
  • 9 Jan Sat : Usui Reiki Level 1 Workshop (Beginners) - 9:30 am
  • 13 Jan Wed : Reiki Share Evening (Reiki Practitioners) - 7:30 pm
  • 23 Jan Sat : Kundalini Reiki Level I (Beginners) - 9:30 am
  • 27 Jan Wed : Inquiry Circle, practicing the Work of Byron Katie - 7:30 pm

Boat Wake's and Epiphanies

I recently came back from holiday and was lucky to take a day diving off Koh Samui, Thailand.  It was such a gorgeous day, I was doing one of the activities I absolutely love, all was well with my world.  As I sat on the deck watching the sea I was suddenly struck with one of those 'eureka' moments that almost always visit me when I am near, or in, water.

From my vantage point I could see forwards to where we were headed, and backwards, where we had come.  I had often heard the adage "there is no point looking backwards to the past to try to figure out what is coming next in our life", and it seemed to make sense - there is no point hashing over the past or seeing the past as a precursor to the future (thought we all do it from time to time).  I know I have several 'hot buttons' about certain cause and effect thoughts such as "If I don't get enough sleep, I'll be grumpy in the morning", or "If you smile at people, they will be nice to you" and many other little thoughts and beliefs about how the world works - based on my past experience.

But sitting on this boat, looking out in both directions it was so plainly obvious to me that where I had just come from had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what lay ahead of me.  Looking back at the wake of the boat was of absolutely no use to me whatsoever.  And it struck me, as I was having this epiphany, that I had spent an awful lot of time, money, and energy trying to figure out what had occurred in my past and how that might effect me now and in the future - trying to 'understand' myself, when in fact it was really of no use at all!

Essentially I know what I know, I am generally pointed in what I think is the right direction, and the rest is truly a clear slate.  Every morning I wake up to a clean slate, and its up to me how I react to that.  Do I rehash all my old stuff (has it done me any good in the past?), or do I look forward, to where I'm going and focus on how to meet each moment as it comes, with fresh eyes and an open heart?

Answers on a postcard :)

Drinking is as good as Yoga

Thank you to my dear friend Katherine for these brilliant photos!  Evidence that drinking and yoga can in fact have the same benefits.....

Savasana
Position of total relaxation. 

Balasana

 Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm:

 

 
 Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
 This position calms the brain and heals tired legs:
 
 


 Marjayasana
 Position stimulates the midrift area and the spinal column:
 
 

 Halasana
 Excellent for back pain and insomnia:
 
 

 Dolphin

 Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms:

 


 
 Salambhasana
 Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms:

 

 
 Ananda Balasana
 This position is great for massaging the hip area:

Ok, so now you know what to do!

An Honest NO

This year has been my challenge to find my honest ‘no’.  I am a self-admitted people pleaser, not to the crazy extent of some, but it definitely gets me into trouble.   At the School, Katie does an entire section on getting to an honest ‘No’.  It goes something like this:

Person who wants you to say yes: “I really need your help, I’m in a bit of a pickle with my finances – you know the recession has hit my business really badly and I’m struggling to make ends meet.  The kids’ school fees are due this month and I just can’t find the cash – I really need a loan, not for too long, maybe 6 months, a year?  I know you have the cash, its small change to you really – can you please loan it to me – it will mean the kids can stay in school and it would really help me out.”

You: “I really understand that you are in trouble, and no.”

Person who wants you to say yes: “What?  You’re saying no?  But my kids!  Are you telling me to take them out of school?  To leave their friends and their life?  How am I going to tell them that you don’t care enough for them?  How can you do this to me, I’m your brother/sister/parent/friend!”

You: “I love you, and no”

So, we practiced this in the School and it seemed easy enough, NOT!  Can you imagine just saying ‘no’ to someone you love and getting all this guilt laid on you and still saying no, with no justification or defense?  Well as a people pleaser I was desperate to try it out, but also scared stiff.

Of course the friendly universe has given me several opportunities to practice since coming home :)

The first opportunity was an old colleague who wanted me to talk at an event that I really didn’t want to do.  She’s an old friend and she’s given me lots of work in the past, I was uncomfortable saying no because I didn’t want to let her down and I was mindful of repercussions in our future relationship.  My first attempt at an honest ‘no’ was simply ignored along the lines of “I can’t take your no for an answer, you owe me and you have to say yes” in a very long winded and emotional email detailing lots of past history, justification etc etc.  When I got her response I immediately went into defense and went to bed tossing and turning all the brilliant justifications I could give her for saying ‘no’.  Then I remembered my honest ‘no’ and my stress just melted away.  In response to her 2 page email I replied “I understand you feel strongly about this, and no.”  I cannot tell you how good that felt!  Clean, pure, authentic, honest – wow!  Ok, now I get it, really, I am never doing differently.  Amazing!

The rub is, even though I now felt clear and good about it, it still doesn’t mean she did, and by the way she didn’t – she came back a third time but with decidedly less heat in her tone and expectation.  I think my honesty and brevity knocked a lot of wind out of her sail and maybe allowed her to open to the possibility that another option could also work.  In the end we did come up with something else that was workable and kept us both in integrity.

My key learning was in seeing how damaging I was being to my own integrity, saying ‘yes’ just to please someone is always a ‘no’ to yourself.  I learnt that giving an honest ‘no’ not only makes me feel brilliant with the force of a massive ‘YES’ to myself, but it also opens the other party to collaboration making it much easier to come to a win win.

Change your Mind, Change the World

Law of attraction states that whatever you focus on you attract.  People can often mistake this as purely material, “I focus on a red Ferrari”, “I want more money”, “I want to be a size 10” but in fact it is easier to notice how this works in life if you look at it as accessing different levels of awareness.  When you are operating primarily out of fear or anger then you get that coming right back at you, when you operate out of joy or optimism, then you get that vibrating back at you.

Take for example five different days when you walk down a dark alley and you see a homeless man sitting next to a dumpster.  Imagine you have had a particularly fearful day or you are in a very fearful mood – the world seems dark, foreboding and unkind – disaster is lurking at every corner (you just watched the news!).  Walking down this alley is already filling you with unease, you spot the homeless man and notice the likely thoughts running through your mind. “He’s going to mug me” ,“He’s going to rape me”.   Notice the level of stress and anxiety running through your body.  Notice how tense and upset you feel when he reaches out his hand to you.  Likely you turn and run down the street away from him.  Imagine the story you would tell your friends and family about your ‘narrow escape’.

Now imagine you have had a terrible day with people you despise, you are in a rage and you feel like you are about to explode you are so angry.  Same alley, same homeless man.  This time you look at him and what are the thoughts coming to you now – what is the thinking you are now accessing?  “Good for nothing”, “Lazy, incompetent, parasite”.  He reaches his hand out to you.  Do you hit him, kick him – in your mind maybe, if not in reality.  There is violence in your thoughts and violence in your environment.  You can imagine how that life would pan out if you continued to sit in anger day after day.

Next mood, you’ve had a disappointing day, you’re feeling deflated and hopeless.  Overwhelmed and unhappy with life.  Feeling small and insignificant – ‘nothing goes my way’.  You walk down the alley and see the man.  Maybe you burst into tears, see him as a total summary of your life, a sign for how low you’ve also sunk.  He holds out his hand and you just shrug – you feel as poor and hopeless as him, what can you possibly offer him?

Shifting up a gear now, you walk down the alley in an optimistic mood.  Life is good, you feel happy, optimistic and enthused by life.  You feel the universe is kind and loving and you feel very blessed and excited about life.  You see the homeless man, what do you do? Sit next to him and chat awhile, share your lunch with him, share a touch of kindness with him?  He holds out his hand and you give him ten bucks, or fifty.  You smile and it feels good.

Finally, imagine you are in total joy, vibrating in truth and love, empowered.  You walk down the alley, you see the man.  He holds out his hand, don’t you give him everything you have?  Don’t you hold him, hug him, touch him with your love?  You walk out and you have blessed another human being with your love.  You have gone from me me me to service. 

This is the way to change the world, this is the way to make a difference – through your own vibration and not through fear or anger or raging at the world and what it has or hasn’t done for you, to you.  Notice the same man in all these scenarios, just a different you.  This is a microcosm of your life, you react to every single incident in your life based on the level you are vibrating at, what you are feeling and thinking and your filters.  Minute by minute, day by day – your life really shouldn’t be any surprise to you, you created it.

You can change it too by simply focusing on your vibration, how are you feeling today and how do you feel better.  There are so many amazing techniques in both law of attraction and the Work of Byron Katie to help you shift up and up in your energy and in so doing in experiencing a totally new level of life.

Byron Katie, The School of the Work Lesson #3: The Gift of Stress

I’ve always known intellectually that when I react to something it’s because I resist something inside.  During my time at the Byron Katie School I finally made the short 12 inch sink from my brain to my heart.  Now I know it unequivocally, and that has given me a sense of peace and gratitude I have not experienced before, because now I know when I experience resistance, I’m close to the truth.

This is such a powerful realization for me, I am not even sure I can articulate it, but I’m going to try! 

An Example:
I went to a  friend’s birthday party over the weekend and when I gave her my gift I said:
“ sorry, it’s not very exciting”, the words just spilled out apologetically and then the evening moved on.  Later, another friend who had observed the exchange commented that it was an odd thing to say “why were you apologizing when you bought her a nice gift?  That was a weird thing to say!” she said to me. 

Well, this is what my mind did…in sequence:

“How rude, why did she even bother to tell me she thought I was weird?!”
“She’s weird for telling me I’m weird!”
“I’m not weird.”
“Oh god, maybe I am weird?  Did I do something wrong?”
“Oh No, I DID do something wrong, I shouldn’t have said that”
“Does the party girl now think I’m weird too?”
“I diminished the gift, why did I do that?”
“Why do I apologize for everything, I’m such a schmuck”
“Ugh, I really suck”

Ok, don’t tell me you don’t do this too sometimes!!   But notice where I go!  My friend tells me I said a weird thing and I end up beating myself up and turning the simple statement into a self-massacre!

So I am sitting there with my torrent of thoughts, feeling bad about myself, and feeling angry at my friend for starting all this in the first place, when my ‘wise self’ whispers:

“Is it true? ‘That was a weird thing to say’, is it true?”

Umm, yeh, I guess it was.

From here a strange thing happened.  I simply saw the truth in it.  I saw that I didn’t need to apologize for buying a birthday gift for someone.  I saw that my friend was gifting me criticism so I could see what I was doing and be more aware next time.  I saw that my friend’s honesty was my growing awareness.  And I got very excited that I was seeing it so clearly.  In that moment all my anger and stress simply dropped away, I fell into peace again.

Who would you be without your story?